REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.
Series 10 of 11. Stopping the Cycle of Abuse
Don’t we all wish domestic violence would end ! Unfortunately, “It's a cycle that's been going on for thousands of years. If we can learn to recognize the warning signs of potential abuse, however, we can learn to avoid relationships with those who are likely to commit domestic violence. There are also programs today to help abusers learn to control their actions and learn how to effectively communicate. Although there is still debate on how effective these programs are, it is a step in the right direction.”
RECOGNIZING THE POTENTIAL ABUSERMany victimized men and woman, both say, "It was completely unexpected … weren't any warning signs! He/she was so charming!" Though this is typically understandable, “there were often red flags … abusers become very skilled at dressing up these red flags with the trimmings of
charm and romance so that they seem to be the signs of passionate love and a romantic nature. These predators can fool even the most level-headed individual, so be aware of these signs and pay attention!:
NOTE SIGNS: As they may “mean trouble down the line include … ” (NOTE, though you may see he/she below, these are signs for both sexes:
“Over-riding your decisions. If your partner repeatedly over-rides your choices by saying little things like, "Oh no, I'm sure you'd prefer this one," and then explains that he's "just looking out for you," think twice. This can be a subtle form of manipulation. He may be trying his hand at forcing his own choices on you. Remember, you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions.
Wanting to know where you are all the time. He may disguise this as "being worried about you," but again, you are an adult. If you already told him you were going out with friends, constant questions are out of line. His worry is simply jealousy. You have the right to a life of your own apart from him; don't let him rule your every moment.
He is highly sensitive to criticism. It may seem endearing the first time he overreacts to a mild criticism (isn't it nice that your opinion matters so much?), but this will wear thin after a while. After all, adults who are too thin-skinned require constant praise and reassurance, and don't have much self-esteem.
He points out your flaws. If you ask for his opinion, this is fine, but unsolicited criticism isn't needed – it is simply mean-spirited. If he replies that he's "only trying to help," run for the hills – he's trying to change you into someone else.
He tells you what to wear. No, this isn't a sign that he's really paying attention to you and your wardrobe. It's a sign that he's treating you like a Barbie doll he wants to dress up.
His jokes are at your expense. Teasing you or embarrassing you in front of others is demeaning, not affectionate.
He falls in love quickly and completely. Adult relationships and fairy tale romances are two different things. One is real, the other isn't. If it feels like he is moving too quickly, it is a gut feeling you should pay attention to – he may try to exert pressure and control over you very quickly.”
It is actually easy, for men and women, who usually think they can not get “swept off their feet” to be swept away, due to charm and romance !
COUNSELING FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE. Available in almost every state now. “While there is a great deal of debate raging over how effective these programs really are, it is obvious that they are a step in the right direction.”
Topics may include, but not limited to (may need to commit to regular counseling for a year; individual & group):
* Focus on the abuser taking responsibility for his or her actions.
* Learn to redirect their anger and need for control into more appropriate channels and save their marriages.
NOTE, sometimes “domestic abuse has been caught relatively early on in the relationship and the abuse has not yet escalated into severe, debilitating violence against the spouse or partner. The longer the abuse has gone on and the more severe the injuries sustained by the victim, the less likely it is that counseling for the abuser will be effective.”
NOTE, often “abusers initially enter therapy as part of a court ordered Intervention Program, although some enter a Domestic Violence Prevention Program voluntarily.”
GOAL OF PROGRAMS: “Teach abusers techniques for communicating nonviolently, creating a "safety net" or "time out" to protect the victims whenever a confrontation escalates, provide mentors and support groups and help the abusers to recognize why they are acting out on their loved ones.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS should:
“Place a priority on the safety of the victim
Have a minimum requirement for attendance (at least once a week for at least four months)
Hold each attendant accountable for his or her actions
Demand that every member of group therapy participate
Allow input from the victim if the victim chooses to do so”
NON-VERBAL SIGNAL WHEN ARGUMENT IS ESCALATING: “One important feature of these programs is the "signal" that will be agreed upon between the abuser and the abused that is to be used any time that an argument or situation may be escalating toward violence. This hand signal can be used by either partner and must be respected by both – and it means that the argument must immediately stop while both sides retreat to separate rooms to cool off for an agreed upon length of time. The sign should be non-verbal so that it doesn't contribute to the argument.”
SIGNS THAT THERAPY MAY BE WORKING:
“No more violence or threatening gestures
Acknowledgment that he has been wrong in the past
An apology for his past behavior
He no longer tries to make all of the decisions or tries to control your actions
He can disagree with you without frightening you or intimidating you
He lets you express your opinion without becoming angry or judgmental
He lets you say, "No."
He has become empathetic and learned to see situations from other points of view, not just his own
He is trying to make amends for his mistakes
He doesn't question you about everything you did or didn't do during the day”
SIGNS THAT THERAPY IS NOT WORKING:
If he says, "I'm not the only one who needs counseling," he is trying to excuse his problem by saying that others do it.
If he says, "I'm not as bad as some of the others in my group," he is trying to minimize his problem in comparison to others.
If he claims that he will be "cured" as soon as the course is done, he is just going through the motions and doesn't understand that recovery is a long, difficult process, not just a set of classes.
If he demands that you do something in exchange for his attending the class, he is blackmailing you and expecting payment for his therapy.
VICTIMES PLEASE NOTE; NEVER DO:“Victims of domestic violence should
NEVER suggest or participate in Couples Counseling or Marriage Counseling. This type of counseling is wonderful for most marriages that are struggling with a variety of issues, but it can be very dangerous for couples where one partner is abusing the other. In some cases, it even escalates the level of violence in the home”.
“Couples' Counseling does NOT work in domestic violence situations because:
Couples counseling puts responsibility on both partners.
But violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
Couples counseling works only when both partners are open, honest and ready to make changes.
Abusers minimize their own faults, deny the truth and blame others for their own problems. They do not tell the truth in counseling.
Couples in counseling talk openly about a variety of problems.
A victim of abuse who tells a counselor about the abuse may be punished by her abuser after the session. If she keeps silent, she is lying by omission and giving even more power to her abuser and nothing will change.”
“The only time that couples counseling or marriage counseling can be considered is when and if the abuser has successfully completed individual and group therapy for abusers and shown (preferably for at least a year) that he has changed his ways. If he understands his own issues and can truly be a partner who lives with you without becoming abusive, then you can consider couples counseling if you feel it might help at that point.”
LAST SESSION, #11 - STOPPING ABUSE FOREVER
“The ultimate goal is a world without domestic violence.
Until everyone understands that no amount of violence and no kind of abuse – whether it is emotional, verbal or physical – is acceptable, we haven't won the war against domestic abuse.”
In order to help in stopping domestic violence, we need to being with, “Teaching out teens and our children that violence or aggression in any form is
not acceptable in relationships. We must give them the skills they need to cope with the stresses of daily life and relationships so that they won't repeat the mistakes so many families are making today. We must also educate adults so that they can cope better and learn how to make marriages and relationships work without abuse. Some have suggested that if counseling took place
before there were problems, there would be much less abuse to deal with down the line. Perhaps this is so.”
“Educating our youth about domestic violence is essential to stopping abuse. Some people worry that talking about domestic abuse only makes it more prevalent,
but that's not at all the case.
In fact, domestic abuse often starts at a shockingly young age. Most parents are stunned by the statistics regarding how many teenagers have committed or been the victims of domestic violence at the hands of their boyfriends or girlfriends.”
·
* 1 in 5 high school students is abused by a partner.*
40% of girls between the ages of 14 and 17 report knowing someone who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
*
1 in 4 teenagers go further sexually than they want to because they are threatened or intimidated by their partner.
“There is plenty of evidence that it is more likely to occur if these teens witnessed or were the victims of abuse as children, but it is by no means limited solely to these families.
Sometimes families with no history of violence at all have children who grow up to become abusers for any number of unknown reasons. This is all the more reason why
education must begin at an early age
– there is no way to distinguish who may turn out to be an abuser and who may end up a victim.
Education in the Classroom: Increasingly, high schools and middle schools are teaching courses on dispute resolution and communication between the sexes in either sex education classes or health classes. These courses outline the warning signs of domestic abuse, provide information on protecting themselves and others from abuse and offer ways to prevent abuse. Role playing and various other techniques help students learn how to interact properly and overcome violent tendencies.
Education at Home: It's never too early to talk to children or teens about domestic abuse. Discuss with them appropriate ways to express anger and frustration and what is and is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. Be very firm and very clear about what is out of bounds. Listen to how boys talk about women – if you hear derogatory language, call them on it! Explain how hurtful those words are and why you will not permit them.
Be a role model at home on how to have a loving relationship. Always model respectful, appropriate behavior by treating your spouse or partner with dignity and kindness.
Remember, children and teens learn what they see and experience; they will treat others they way they have been treated and the way they see you treat your own partner. Your children watch what you do and pick up their cues from you. Always be aware of how your express anger, frustration or discontent. Help your children define healthy relationships by demonstrating what one is.
Organizations: Each year more organizations, including hospitals, outreach groups and health organizations are sponsoring programs that help mentor and lead teens in learning how to interact appropriately and develop healthy relationships.
One such organization, the
Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, has established an initiative to stop violence through promoting various relationship-building activities for teens and youth aged 10 to 14. For more about this program, visit
www.buildinghealthyteenrelationships.org or the foundation at www.rwjf.org.
Another outstanding organization that supports an end to domestic violence that provides mentoring, leadership and resources for fathers who wish to end the cycle of domestic violence is
Founding Fathers. Visit their website at
www.founding-fathers.org for more information and to sign up to become a member. The site
Love is Respect at
www.loveisrespect.org is a National Dating Abuse website and hotline that defines dating abuse, outlines how to recognize it and has an excellent online quiz that teens can take to determine if their own relationship is abusive. The Teen Dating Bill of Rights outlines the rights each teen has when dating and includes a pledge that teens may sign to uphold the rights and dignity of their partners.”
EMPLOYERS:“It has only been within the last decade the employers have begun consistently including formal Domestic Abuse Policies in their human resources training, workforce policies and employee training programs. Fortunately, many companies today recognize that domestic violence is a very real and immediate problem that must be addressed and they are not only helping employees who are victims, they are educating all employees about how they can help.”
COUNSELING BEFORE BECOMING A MARRIED COUPLE (gender roles, children, money issues, career issues, etc)
: “Divorce rate and the rate of domestic abuse may be reduced by couples undergoing counseling
before there are any signs of problems evident in their relationships. The theory is that, by talking with a professional, communications skills can be developed and any major problems can be addressed that may not have been thought of yet by the partners. Addressing these issues in a controlled environment with professional guidance rather than being blindsided by them when you are under stress may help some couples avoid the tension that leads to abuse.”
“Studies have shown that those couples who are open to pre-marital counseling tend to be more successful in their marriages. This is in part because each person possesses the humility to accept guidance and encouragement in order to strengthen their love and nurture it.”
In conclusion, as a country, we need to help stop domestic violence and bullying !
FYI, in reference to this last series, one reason I believe in the show, Super Nannie, is because I believe correction in domestic violence can actually begin RIGHT AT HOME with discipline !
