You may know me, but you have no idea who I am !

Writing before Wednesday this week, because I saw this picture and it made me think of a topic, true to my own heart !

 

Why is it, that some of the closest people to you, do not really know you (yet often think they do) ?  I’m talking spouse/partner, family, relatives, friends, co-workers, your boss.

The short of it …

·         Many folks around us, are only interested in themselves !  What they have to say.  What’s going on in their lives.

·         Only hear what they want to hear !  Choose to judge, rather than comprehend/understand.

·         Often never ask you about you; or actually listen to your answer !

·         They’re so busy, they can hardly handle their own lives/traumas.

·         In their mind, think they know you !

·         Maybe select folks are listening too much to what others say about you (who also think they know you)

·         Or maybe, you do not share you (your thoughts and feelings)

 

Truly consider … If you hear your children, spouse/partner, your boss, or even a friend say, “You don’t get me”, or “you don’t listen to me” ... Understand, that’s how they “feel”, whether you think it’s true or not.   How a person feels or preceives is how it is to them !  And if this person is important to you, this is valuable info !

If you do not choose to STOP and take the time to listen, embrace the feelings, feel how they feel, give that person a chance, the situation will most definitely not change ! Only change you have, is in seeing it and feel it the way they do.  Compassion is important in any relationship. 

 

Now … If you are the one, who feels you are not really being listened to nor interpreted correct … It’s time for change !

Either learn a new approach … Whether it be calmer !  More direct !

If you can not approach them in person, consider writing a letter.  Possibly allow a non-biased person to read before sending.

Or just maybe, it’s time for new friends !  And consider spending less time with these folks who are bringing you down !  If it’s a spouse/partner, you can learn to add new appropriate activities to your life.  If it’s a boss, you can learn to just do your job correctly, and not provide more.

Cause it’s actually possible, there will be no change on the other person ! 

But remember, I’m not suggesting you develop an attitude !  You need to approach this with the idea of being happy !  Happy with choices !  Not anger, bitter, or grudges !  Just focusing more on you, and not, how you feel about them !

So get active and find new things to do !

In reality, only you can change !  You can’t change others, no matter how much you say or how upset you get !  So change you. 

 

Either ...

·         Take the time and learn how you can relate to this person; get to know them better; what makes them tick !

Or ... Especially if you learn, it's just "all about them" ...

·         Find new friends; get active; get happy with yourself and new surroundings !

 

 

Are you tired of being tired ! Which is the culprit

I know I am tired lots lately.  The last 3 weeks, I seem to be exhausted by noon, every day !  After my dad died, 3 weeks ago, I’ve been helping my mother go through her house, in a two week period, because she is permanently moving to Fla.  Today, seems like I’m tired the most, so I decided, it was time to talk about this subject !

 

Our daily habits affect how we feel !

Whether we ate breakfast or not.

What we’re eating during the day.  (Ever feel tired after lunch, after eating a buffet, or pasta, fried foods, Chinese food, etc ?  These are carbs; they auto make you tired) !

And of course, whether we got a good nights rest or not.  But read more on what affect us !

 

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Here’s what WebMD says – Health and Balance:

Have breakfast... even if you don't feel hungry.

Eat every three to four hours.

Fill up on more fiber (daily recommended 25 to 30 grams).  Some suggestions: a bowl of raisin bran (5 grams of fiber per cup); black beans and cheese wrapped in a multigrain tortilla (beans have 7.5 grams per 1/2 cup; one tortilla has 5 grams); air-popped popcorn (3.6 grams per 3 cups); an apple with the skin (3.3 grams); and whole-wheat spaghetti (6.3 grams per cup).

Fuel your brain with omega-3s. Found in fatty fish (such as tuna and salmon), walnuts, and canola oil).

Stay hydrated.  Tip: Besides drinking more, you can also consume foods that naturally contain water, such as yogurt, broccoli, carrots, and juicy fruits, like watermelons, oranges, and grapefruits.

Watch caffeine intake after noon. researchers at the University of Florida found that out of 22 decaffeinated coffee beverages tested, all but one contained some caffeine.

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More ideas from WebMD: 

Vent your feelings.  Keeping fear, anxiety, and stress pent up inside may seem like a grown-up way to deal with these emotions. But discussing negative feelings with another person can ease them far better than keeping them bottled up; by airing them, you reduce their ability to sap your stamina, says Komaroff, who is also the editor-in-chief of the Harvard Health Letter.

Let go of grudges. Nursing a grudge prompts your mind and body to react as if they're under chronic stress, increasing your heart rate and blood pressure and potentially resulting in an impaired immune system and exhaustion over time, according to a study in the journal Psychological Science. On the other hand, practicing empathy and forgiveness after you've been wronged makes you feel as if you're back in control, which keeps the body's stress responses in check. The next time you find yourself harboring ill feelings, repeat a stress-relieving mantra to yourself, such as, "Forgiveness makes me a happier and stronger person."

Turn on some tunes.

Take belly breaths. When we're under stress, we're prone to take "chest breaths" — short, shallow ones, says Domar. Chest breathing brings less air into the lungs and reduces the supply of energizing oxygen to the body and brain, leaving you physically and mentally drained. The goal is deep, diaphragmatic breathing — like that of a sleeping infant: When you breathe in, your belly should round and fill like a balloon; on an exhale, your belly should slowly deflate. Of course, remembering to practice deep breathing isn't the first thing on your mind when you're under the gun, so as a visual reminder, try posting a tranquil picture (such as a pool of water or your kids smiling) with the word "breathe" next to your computer, or anywhere you tend to feel on edge.

De-clutter a corner. Go through that teetering pile of papers or overflowing closet and clear it out. Clutter can make you feel out of control and overwhelmed, especially when you're already feeling stressed or down. Plus, simply accomplishing a goal, no matter how seemingly minor, can be energizing, says Domar.

Do some good. Acts of altruism can lend a little pep to your step. In fact, one study in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that volunteer work can boost your energy in six ways: It enhances happiness, life satisfaction, self-esteem, sense of control over life, physical health, and mood.

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The culprit for me is, lately, is that I am totally not eating right.  What I really mean is, the culprit is MYSELF !  Like most always, I’m running around so fast, that I only take time to eat, when I am hungry, and then, I’m grabbing whatever might already be ready, so there’s not “fixing time” needed.

Carbs have always put me to sleep, which is why I can not have them in the day, and do not agree to go out to eat lunch with folks !  I am better off, when I eat, very small portions, several times a day (1/2 cup to one cup each).

Other culprits for me right now … Clutter.  I have just moved may things from my mom’s house to mine.  It is overwhelming just to look at !  Meaning, looking at it, and I become exhausted, before I even lift a hand in changing it.

Venting.  I have been doing this a little lately; I’m sure not enough.  And it’s all in reference, to all that has gone on in the last 3 weeks !


Now, allow me to add a couple more venue's to add some spark for you.
*  Practive self-hynosis (I can help you with this)
*  Plan a vacation ... a cruise ... even if you are not yet ready to committ.  Vacation planning can bring life back into you.  Do not call anyone if you are not going to buy; just go online and do your research.  Here, use my cheat sheets:  www.VivianWebb.com

Both of the above, I do all the time !

Time for change.  I’m looking forward to it, once all this work is complete.  Looking forward to eating healthier, walking on my new treadmill, and becoming healthier !  More energy ! Plan to join me !

Need motivation with change ?  Need help (phisically) with decluttering ?
Reach out to a coach today !  Why put off in change that could be the best thing for your life !  (434) 473 - 7470  (Voip Machine)

5 stages of handling death - Remember to reach to a coach if you need a helping hand

I'm personally very behind this week, and have not posted on my coaching blog.
Since the death of my father, first of April, I have been packing up my mom, to move to Fla, permanently.
If I guess, I have yet to have time, in dealing with the death of my father, with being constantly busy; packing and working in my own business !  Once she is gone, next weekend, I'm sure, reality may hit home.  Thought I should take a moment and look online at the different stages a person goes through with death, and thought, for now, I would just share one article I found online.

From Psych Central.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Note ...
*  Not all folks handle death in the same way.
*  Not everyone goes through the different stages.
*  Not everyone goes through the stages as the same rate as another
*  Some folks get hung up in a stage and may need coaching or counseling to cope, or pass to the next stage.

Remember ...
Right after someone dies, many folks call and check on those who have been left behind.  But after a couple of weeks or months, these folks are often forgotten. 
Remember ...
To keep in touch with these folks.  They still need your friendship !

Call me if you need a coach during your difficult times !

Personal Experience – Valuable Insight and Extra Time before the burial of a loved one

Last Monday, April 1, my father past away.  Though his health had been declining, he had taken a sudden turn, a week prior; actually the day I left Fla, after being with him for 3 weeks (I would not have come home, had he been in this condition).

My mother and father, were currently at their winter home.  And naturally, both of them, would need to come home to VA, for the burial.

My mother would be driving home, because she wanted her car home.  With having a very important DR visit on Wednesday, she would not begin her drive till after the appointment.  She broke the trip up, and was back to VA by 2pm on Thursday. 

We decided best, to wait for “family night” till Friday night.  And in hopes of folks not having to take off from work, we paid the extra ($300 at the cemetery; other cost at the funeral home) to have the funeral on Saturday.

Insight #1:  Most funeral homes, have connections with other funeral homes, out of town.  So the funeral home, in our home town, immediately took over upon my father’s death.  His remains were picked up at the hospital; he was embalmed (which must be done before he could be flown home); took him to the airport, and flew him back to VA.  He was in VA by Wednesday morning; had we been in a hurry, he could have been here by Tuesday night.

Insight #2: Remains can not be flown into any airport; only select airports.  My father was flown into Richmond, and we live in Lynchburg.  Our funeral home here, went to get him in Richmond.  The cost for the flight and ride to LYH was only $ 900.

Not having the funeral within a couple of days, like many are done, made the transition from life to death, much more easier !   This extra time, from Monday to Saturday, was valuable in personal adjustment.  It helped give “time” in settling over what had happened. 

Also, with taking this time, I did not have to go to the funeral home, to look at our options till Tuesday, and not Monday !  My body didn’t have to go through that sudden burial mode !

I truly suggest, keeping this suggestion in the back of every ones mind, for the future, of having to bury a loved one !  My father was my best buddy; and I never thought, I could handle this, as easy as I did !

 

Are folks put in your path for them or you ?

My personal belief is that you can not have enough friends.  In reality, friends, not even a spouse or partner can be all things in your life, so that’s the value of having many friends !

 

Here’s the issue I have with folks.

You invite them to come out and join you for a social, and they won’t.  These are folks, that either you figure could use a friend, or maybe you just want to see them.

Don’t get me wrong, I know folks are busy.  And many folks are wrapped up in their families and want to be with them as much as possible.  Then there’s folks who have to work all the time; of have family who are sick and the must care for them.

 

The thing is, we need to take some joy time for ourselves; even if it’s only once a month.  And like I said,  no one can be your everything for you;  whether you realize it or not, that’s too much stress on one person.

And don’t be hurt by this, but folks need breaks from you too !  Need to have an opportunity to do something differently too !  Change the monotony !

 

But not only this, there are folks that are put in your path, that you are here to help.  And if you don’t get out, and meet these folks or be with these folks, your calling, your purpose, slips right by.

So sometimes, meeting new folks or being with folks, is not about you !  It’s about, you for them.

So think about it, next time someone invites you to join them for some fun or to get out.  This may be your opportunity, to help them !  That may be the reason you were asked, and they don’t even know it !

One of the best medicines is when you take some focus off yourself, and discover the joy you can bring in helping or being there for someone else.

Everything has a purpose … to as simple as, someone inviting you out to join them or hook up for dinner !

 

Why do folks cheat on their partner ?

Often, folks who are going through heart ache, ask me this questions.

 

I found this online.  “Truth about deception”.

After years of study, it basically says, there are two related explanations.  One, we’ve heard over and over, “People claim they are not happy so they look for love and affection elsewhere”.  The second reason looks more into human nature, “why is being faithful to a spouse so difficult for many people to do”.

Find these other topics in the below article:

•coming to grips with infidelity

•making the decision to cheat

•role of sexual desire

•who is likely to cheat  (specifically look at this one)

•how to prevent infidelity (know, people who are happily married are less likely to cheat)

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/why-people-cheat.html

 

From Vivian.

From listening to folks, many think it’s all natural to be married.  It can be, if you have that “automatic” type personality and true goals of marriage.  However, on the other hand, many folks do not.

Marriage is something you have to pay full attention to, just like your job !  And folks who do not, or take it all for granted, run the risk of not receiving the full value and reason for marriage !

Marriage is 110% or 200%, and it has to be from both parties.  Meaning, before you ever consider getting married, you need to decide, how much devotion you will put into it, as well as know, how your partner feels.  Cause you could choose to give it your all, and your partner does not.  So these are actually our first mistakes in choosing marriage.

There is no “I” in TEAM !  I’m not saying you can’t take out some time for yourself or they can’t.  But before you do, you need to be sure, your partner has been satisfied !

Many folks loose the closeness in marriage after being married for awhile.  This is the next mistake.  Everyday, you need to get up, and act like you’ve just met this person or just began this relationship.  But again, it takes two !

As mentioned above in the article, there are many reason partners choose to cheat.  Though this is their decision, you can help in controlling this, like the article says.  But first, hopefully you have chosen the right partner; and secondly, remember, that neither of you can afford to “not” give that marriage the percentage it deserves !

In essence, it’s like having another job.  And folks who give their job their all, need to also, give their marriage their all.  Everyday !

You give your all to your kids right ? You don't want anything hurting them. Then why not your spouse !

And if you have backsliden, in not giving your marriage it’s all, then today, needs to be a new beginning if you ever think your relationship will survive.

STOP thinking the other person needs to change.  The only person you can change is YOU !  The only person you are accountable for, is you !  And even if this person could use a lot of changing, if you change, they too, can often automatically change, from your change !

So get up off the couch.  Unless you are spending quality time with your partner, then the couch does you no good !  STOP using the words, "I Love you" and prove it; action !  Matter of fact, don't use those words for a week, and show it !  Anyone, and I mean anyone, can say I love you; but only you can prove it; by actions !

 

And, get some good books on changing you ! 

I'm not suggesting its your fault.  I am only suggesting, that it's your responsibility to prove your love through action and not words !  And don't expect the other person to change or do better if you are not being the best you can be.  If you can't give yourself an A+, then, there's some improvement that you can work on.

If you want to know where to begin this change, "think of things your partner has told you, that they don't like about you ".  Cause maybe you can't see yourself !  Besides, whether you are doing what they are saying or not, "this is how they feel".  And unless you change how they "feel", the relationship will not change !

Don’t put this off another day !  And even consider therapy or counseling or a non-biased ear, towards helping you !

And if you’re not willing to change, then choose to get out, before you, or they, do something that everyone will regret !  That's part of your responsibility too !

One more note, "grass is not greener on the other side".  If you can't get along with this one, what the heck makes you think you can make it with another.  Cause unless you change or learn to choose the right type of partners, the next one, will have you in the same "rocky boat" !  And if not the same rocky boat, a boat that could cause you drowning in your own sorrows, worse than they are today !

Good luck.  I wish you a happy marriage.  Because you can have that !

 

Be careful what you wish for ! Grass may not be greener on the other side, as you wish !

Over the last couple of weeks,  I have been with different folks, than usual, because I have been out of town.  Truly nice, from time to time, opening the door to new conversation.

Instead of a topic, I heard this statement a few times >>> “ I don’t dare wish for different, cause it could be worse “.  True !

The 1^st reference was to neighbors.  In this instance, the neighbors partied all night, with loud talking and bon fires in the yard.  The person making the statement said, “I’m afraid to wish they would move, cause the next neighbors could be worse !”,  True !

2^nd reference was to husbands.  This husband was non-thankful/greatful/appreciative and demanding.  The person making the statement said, “Not only do I not wish for a new husband, because the next one could be worse, but I would be afraid to try out another !”.  Hehehe, understandable !

 Truly grass will not always be gound greener on the other side !

I thought back of times, when I have changed something, and regretted it !  Yet, we’re told to “be open to change”.

Two latest examples that personally let to doom: 

·         Long Distance provider

·         Doctor

 

This is really why I am so skeptical of changing things.  Just lately, I was forced to get a new computer and change my cell phone provider.  Thank goodness, both of these have worked out so far (but maybe because it was a force change and not something I was led to change) !

My point … it can be simple, it can be something life changing … However, no matter, I’m sure there are many of us, who can look back in our lives, and realize, we wished for something better, only to find “worse results” !

So as they say, be careful what you wish for !