* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
* When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
* Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
* Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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