Domestic Violence: Lesson 6 of 11 Series. Keeping Safe

REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.

As a reminder in the last session, it was mentioned that “the police will always refer victims of domestic violence to various local agencies that specialize in working with domestic violence situations. This is because these organizations are experts in this area – they do nothing but work with all aspects of domestic violence. They are wonderful resources for everything from safety issues to housing and everything in between. They provide financial resources, counseling, emotional support and more.” And many organizational resources were mentioned in Chapter 4, but there are many more across our country.



LESSON 6 - Keeping Safe“If you or someone you love is being abused, the best solution is to get out … “If not possible or you won’t consider, at least try to understand how to protect yourself … Until you are ready to leave … minimize the abuse.

Recognize the warning signs. Most victims know the "warning signs" … abuser's temper is going to flare. Whether it is too much alcohol, a bad day at work or simply that you are too slow bringing dinner to the table, try to appease your abuser … Give him/her time to cool down.

Avoid areas in the house that can be dangerous for you. Most attacks that result in serious injury occur in the kitchen … knives, scissors and other sharp objects. Also avoid bathrooms and other areas where there is no escape. Try to go to rooms with outside doors or windows and a telephone, so you can get out.

Don't be afraid to leave … run to a neighbor's house and cry for help.

Practice when your abuser isn't home. When your abuser is at work or out for the evening, practice an escape route just like you would practice a fire drill. Teach it to your children and have them practice it, too. Make it very clear that they should escape if they are in danger and that they should never get in between you and your abuser! Instead, encourage them to use the escape plan and call 911 from a safe place.

Memorize important phone numbers and always have change on you. If you ever escape … with nothing but the clothes on your back, you should at least have the phone numbers for a few domestic abuse hotlines, a friend or family member you can trust and the police memorized … You should also have enough money … for a bus or cab fare.” (Vivian’s suggestion - have a hiding place in the yard or garage, or several places, that you may be able to keep #’s, money, and even keys, if you ever need to make that escape)

Decide on a Safe Word or Phrase.   There may be a day when you decide that the time is right to leave or when you are in danger – but you can't talk to anyone without your abuser overhearing. Have a Safe Word or Phrase that you can use that will be recognized by your family or friends. When you use this word or phrase, it will tell them that you need help immediately and that they should send the police.

“Do not purchase a deadly weapon to protect yourself. Too often, a weapon such as a knife or gun is taken away from the victim who is trying to protect themselves and used against them.”

Be prepared if you hope to one day escape
Plan now, for that day you may be able to escape. “The reason is simple – abusers are unpredictable. Victims are seldom ready when the time is right and … often miss that "window of opportunity" … The ones who are successful are the ones who have taken the steps to be prepared ahead of time. They have an "escape kit" ready so that when the time comes they don't have to waste time gathering the things they need. They have an escape plan in place …”


Pre-make that Escape Kit

Decide a secure safe place where you can hide this, yet get to (maybe at a neighbors on in the back of your car - you could even have more than one place); a place where your abuser will not find it. Remember, escapes are often done quickly, without much warning, even for you. This kit should include those essentials you may need, such as:
Money – Begin putting money away; money you may need for bus or cab or meals or phone calls.

Keys – This could include more than just car keys.

Medication list - have a list stored; and plan to grab your meds as you go out the door

Blank checks and spare credit Card that’s just in your name

Legal documents (or copies) – Birth certificates (you and the kids); passport; drivers license; property documents, and any Protective Orders.

Jewelry or small valuables (sentimental or that with value, if you must sell)
Address books and phone #’s

Any paperwork, photos or records in reference to any abuse

Backpack with bottles of water & small snacks – that could tide you over if need be

If you will escape with your car, keep blankets, flashlights, maps. 　

“Food for Thought”

“Domestic Violence Shelters Offer a Lot to Victims

The typical domestic violence shelter allows victims to stay for anywhere from six weeks to three months ... … Three meals a day and some type of schooling for children. … Private bedrooms with shared living rooms … … Undisclosed locations … Victims can give false names if they wish for added security. Counseling, financial education and career services are usually offered. Domestic Violence Shelters provide outreach services that continue to offer assistance after victims leave the shelter to ensure that they have support and assistance as they learn to live independently.” 　


Remember in planning to take proper steps in getting away safely.
Use your cell phone, go to a pay phone or to a neighbor for help or call 911.

If you can, leave while your abuser is at work or a time when you know they are to be gone for awhile.

If you do not already have, you need to get Protective Order for you and the children; inform your kids school.

Plan to talk to a counselor or therapist for valuable support and insight.

　

Keep in mind, once you have left:
Remember, your cell bill will show any #‘s you dial, once leaving home. Get a temporary phone or one that you add minutes; anything you don’t have to sign a long contract.

When ready to buy a new home phone at your new location, make the # unlisted.

“Use only your first initial and not your first name whenever possible on documents.

Get an answering machine and screen all phone calls before answering. Save any threatening messages …”.

Cancel old bank accounts and credit cards that you share.

If possible, get a post office box to use as your address.

FYI … If need be, you can go to the Social Security office and “They will now assign a new Social Security Number to victims of Domestic Abuse who are relocating to try to escape their abuser.”

“Meet with an attorney immediately and discuss filing for child support, maintenance, division of assets and a divorce or separation. This is a crucial step to protect your rights and those of your children. Remember, you have to protect yourself financially and legally! Contact your local domestic violence center or Bar Association. They will help you find an attorney who will work with you free of charge. It is imperative that you talk to a lawyer to make sure that you understand your rights to protection and how to move forward legally so that you are safe and you are able to live a productive, happy life without interference from your abuser.”



See more info:   www.leavingabuse.com. “The site includes suggestions, safety tips and links to a variety of other sites that can help you. Remember to access any site from a secure, safe location that your abuser does not have access to or be sure to ALWAYS clear your computer's history …”.


“Finally, for your own safety and the safety of others the fewer people who know where you are going, the better it will be for all involved. Let a few key people know where you will be in case of emergencies … they should not contact you unless it is truly urgent. Don't call or contact anyone unless you need to except for your attorneys and law enforcement until you are certain that you and your children are safe and secure.”



Vivian M Webb, C.Ht, CPLC ... My personal desire is in helping folks prepare; getting ready; not missing that opportunity; not being rail roaded (even after leaving) !  I planned, for myself, way in advance, before ever leaving.  I saved every dime I could; I learned many facts that would help me; I was totally prepared when I left.   I can help you too !



　

Domestic Violence: Lesson 5 of 11 Series. Understanding Legal Issues.

REMINDER, I am currently taking a Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.




LESSON 5 - Legal Issues

“Understanding that the law is there to protect you and your rights will make it easier for victims of domestic violence to gain the confidence to escape.”

Many folks in an abuse relationships do not often make decisions to leave because they are actually just unaware of the legal issues which may occur; concerned of what their partner may have the rights in doing to them; could they loose their children.

The first step in learning the laws is for the victim to proactively seek what the law can and can not do in protecting them; handling divorce; custody issues.

“What the Police Can and Can't Do The first contact many victims of abuse will have with the police will occur if and when 911 is called because of a "domestic disturbance" … Most police departments today have very specific guidelines in place for how they are required to respond to domestic disturbance or domestic violence calls … It is also crucial because responding to a domestic dispute can be very dangerous – before arriving on the scene, police officers don't know if they're walking into a heated argument that can be easily defused or a major confrontation involving drugs, alcohol and weapons.”

“Domestic disputes are some of the most dangerous situations police officers face … sometimes referred to as the 80/20 rule: Eighty percent of the incidents involve the same twenty percent of families repeatedly.”

“It is important to understand that there is a distinct line drawn between immediate physical danger and what is considered a domestic "dispute" in these situations. If there has been a loud argument, objects thrown and a disturbance, there may be only a warning issued by the police if they cannot determine that there is any immediate physical danger … unless there has been an obvious physical threat of harm, there is little that the police can do other than warn both parties. However, and this is very important, once a physical attack has taken place, the police are required to take action in most jurisdictions.”

“If an individual has been physically harmed in any way during a domestic dispute, the police will be expected to:
Arrange for transportation to a medical facility for the victim for evaluation and treatment.
Allow the victim to gather some personal belongings and remain with the victim to ensure their safety until they are ready to leave the premises
Inform the victim of their right to a Protective Order (variously called a PFA (Protection From Abuse Order) or RO (Restraining Order), depending on the area.
Provide victims with referrals to local domestic violence agencies.
Advise victims to preserve evidence of any physical violence, including taking photos of injuries and preserving ripped or damaged property and clothing.
Prepare an official, written report of the incident. (Be sure to ask for the report number. You will want to request a copy of the official report later for your own records. To get this, you will need to contact the police department the next day. If you apply for a Restraining Order or PFA down the road, a copy of this report will be important to your application. It will bolster your case for why you need an Order to protect you from your abuser.)” “If the injuries are severe enough and the situation warrants it, the police may arrest an abuser on the spot if a victim wants to press charges, but this is determined on a case-by-case basis and varies by jurisdiction.
*Police Domestic Violence Response Policies vary from state to state and region to region. Please be sure to check with your local authorities to see what the laws are in your local area. You can contact your local police force or visit their website to find out what their official domestic disturbance policy is.”“A common problem is that victims often say at the time of the incident that they want to press assault charges against their abuser … Days later they may reconcile with their partner … If they choose to drop the charges, the courts (until recently) had no recourse but to drop the whole thing. For this reason, some local municipalities and cities are now prosecuting domestic violence as a criminal offense without the testimony of the victims. In these instances, the violence is viewed as a crime against the community and prosecutors are taking a zero tolerance approach to domestic violence. Even if the victim decides to drop the charges, the prosecutor can proceed without the victim's testimony or cooperation.”

“The police can also get an Emergency Protective Order from an on-call judge if the situation warrants it. If children are involved, an Emergency Custody Order can be obtained from an on-call family court judge. However, these last only a few days and the victim must follow up with the Domestic and Family Courts to get more permanent orders put in place to continue their protection.”


“Understanding the Different Types of Protective Orders… from state to state, and sometimes from region to region, there are various names used to describe the same type of Order … to get the most accurate information for your particular situation, you should refer to the laws of your state.”

“Protective Orders: There are several different names for an Order of Protection and all can be applied for free of charge in all states if they are the result of Domestic Abuse. The most common are Protection From Abuse (PFA), Order of Protection or Restraining Order … "PRO" (Permanent Restraining Order), although that really refers only to a Protective Order or Restraining Order that has already gone to court and been made permanent after a hearing.”

“Orders of Protection … fall into three different categories:Emergency Orders: These are generally Protective Orders that last between three and five days and no more than a week. These are obtained by police officers on your behalf only when they feel that you are in immediate danger. They are generally signed by whatever judge is on call at the time of a domestic abuse incident. An Emergency Order can also extend to children if they are in danger and may grant the victim temporary custody of any children of they are also in danger at the hands of the abuser. Generally, an Emergency Order will indicate a certain distance that must be maintained between the victim and the abuser and will also indicate that the abuser can not contact the victim in any way.Temporary Orders: The next step requires a pro-active approach by the victim. In order for a Protective Order to stay in place beyond on the initial few days, the victim must file a request for a Temporary Order that will extend the Protective Order until a Hearing can be scheduled. The person requesting the Temporary Order will need to fill out the paperwork at the local family court or through his or her attorney and ask that it be served either by a law enforcement officer or through an official process server. The Order will go into effect as soon as the Order is served. Usually it will last only until the first hearing, which will be scheduled within a month or less.Permanent Orders: Although referred to as "Permanent," the name is misleading. Permanent Orders can last up to five years but are usually much less and are revisited periodically by the court to see if they are still warranted by the situation. These are put in place after an actual Hearing on the facts of the case. This is when the victim will want to have as much information and evidence as possible to show the judge, including any police reports, photographs, written records of abuse, the testimony of witnesses, etc. A Permanent Order can be for just the victim or for the victim and any children.”
“Other Things a Protective Order Can Do
There are several other ways that a Protective Order can help you until you determine where you want to go or what you want to do:
You may apply for temporary child support and/or maintenance if you fill out an income and expense form.
You may request temporary sole possession of the spousal home and other property such as a car. Note: This does not hinge solely on whose name is on the mortgage or car loan. Do not believe everything your abuser told you. Consult an attorney or legal aid advocate.
The judge can also order that your spouse continue to pay certain debts during the time of the Protective Order.
The judge can require that all property be barred from sale or distribution and, if your abuser damages any of your property, he be made to compensate you for all damages.”
Hopefully, at this stage, the victim “realize that they are in a situation from which there is no turning back and consult a domestic abuse outreach agency or an attorney specializing in divorce and custody issues that involve domestic abuse. It is particularly important that those who have been abused have moral, emotional and legal support while getting divorced and establishing their custody rights so that they are treated fairly by the legal system and get all of the support that they so richly deserve
.”

“A Word of CautionOnce a Protective Order is in place, do not assume you are safe … While the laws are designed to protect the victim, the Order is put into effect to tell the abuser what they can NOT do. Many abusers will fight this battle in court. Some will become enraged and step up their pattern of abuse and confront their victim again. Unfortunately, this means that there will be at least one more confrontation – and studies show that, because their victim has taken the steps to "fight back," they are often more aggressive
. Once the Protective Order in place, if the abuser shows up or has contact with the victim, the “the police can immediately arrest them for violating the Order.”

REMEMBER: You must keep the Protective Order in your possession at all times ! If children are involved, “be sure that their school or daycare has a copy as well. Any close family and friends who are aware of the situation should also be informed – they can be your eyes and ears, watching to make sure you aren't being followed and warning you of anything out of the ordinary. Be sure that your employer is aware of your situation (… your employer can not by law discriminate against you because you are the victim of abuse …. essential that your supervisor is aware of the situation … if your abuser is on the premises, the company knows to immediately notify the authorities and have him removed). Your duty is to protect yourself and make sure that there is no danger to others who may be innocent bystanders.”

　

Great resource, including information about the various state laws, Protective Orders, Legal Procedures and State Laws (includes links to every state; overview how the court system works in every state, including how to get a protective order, how custody issues work and even how to download the forms you need for many states and addresses and phone numbers for courthouses):
www.womenslaw.org or 800-799-7233 (SAFE)

“REMEMBER: If your abuser has access to your computer – cover your tracks!”






　
　

Domestic Violence: Lesson 4 of 11 Series. How You Can Help Victims of Domestic Abuse

REMINDER, I am currently taking a Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.

And normally I post on Wednesday, however, I will be out of town this week, so doing in advance.
　



Lesson 4 of 11 Series. How You Can Help Victims of Domestic Abuse


In order to work towards success in dealing with domestic violence is if society, as a whole, and individuals themselves, are willing to “face the harsh realities of domestic abuse and take the steps necessary to get the help necessary for both the victims and the abusers.” One of the biggest ways you, and society can support, is by providing victims with necessary “resources, and of course, providing individual support.”

Sadly, most victims are not aware of resources which may possibly be right in their back door ! However, some areas, there are no resources are available. And some organizations only “provide aid and support for any victim … only for women … or particular minority groups.”

A great place is providing support is in “volunteer your time, money or expertise
in order to help others who have suffered from domestic abuse or you are in need of assistance yourself.”

All the below resources provided by Michelle Money. 


*BE AWARE: If you provide this information to an abuse victim or are a victim yourself, please be aware that visiting these sites on a personal computer has certain risks unless you clear your browser's history. If your abuser has access to your computer, be sure to completely clear your computer's browser history every time to prevent him or her from seeing that you have visited the following sites. 　

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE
800-787-3224 (TDD)The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance. The Hotline also has information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling available in all 50 states. You can also visit
www.ndvh.org or write to them at:National Domestic Violence Hotline
PO Box 161810
Austin, TX78716

The National Battered Women's Law Project addresses legal issues surrounding domestic violence.
For more information, contact the project directors at: National Battered Women's Law Project
275 7th Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY10001
Phone: 212-741-9480
FAX: 212-741-6438

The National Network to End Domestic Violence focuses on social change, endeavoring to create a social, political and economic environment in which violence against women no longer exists
. They offer housing, leadership programs, education and safety and outreach programs across the country. For more information, go to: www.nnedv.org or contact them at:The National Network to End Domestic Violence
660 Pennsylvania Avenue SE, Suite 303
Washington, DC20003
Phone: 202-543-5566
FAX: 202-543-5626

Stop Abuse for Everyone (SAFE) is a human rights group that specializes in help for the atypical abuse victim – those who don't usually come to mind when people think of domestic abuse victims. This includes straight men, homosexuals, the elderly and teenagers. The National Crime Prevention Council recently voted SAFE one of the most promising programs in the fight against domestic violence. Visit their site for an extensive list of national, international and local resources, educational materials and hotlines based on specific needs. This site has a wealth of training materials and information as well as forums and mailing lists. For more information and to take advantage of their resource links, visit SAFE at
www.safe4all.org.
Maitri – www.maitri.orgThis is a non-profit specializing in helping South Asian women victims of abuse. Languages spoken include: Bengali, Gujarati, Hindi, Kannada, Kashmiri, Konkani, Malayalam, Marathi, Marwari, Oriya, Punjabi, Sindhi, Sinhalese, Tamil, Telugu, and Urdu. Maitri234 East Gish Road #200
San Jose, CA95112
Phone: (408) 436-8393
Toll-free Hotline: 1- 888-8-MAITRI


The National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence promotes education, assistance and solutions for ending domestic violence in the Latino community. www.dvalianza.comThe National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 672, Triborough Station
New York, NY10035
Phone: (646) 672-1404
Toll-free: 1-800-342-9908
The Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community focuses on the unique circumstances of the African American family as it faces partner violence, child abuse, elder maltreatment and community violence.www.dvinstitute.orgThe Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American CommunityUniversity of MinnesotaSchool of Social Work
290 Peters Hall
1404 Gortner Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108
1-877-643-8222

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project – for men who are in abusive homosexual relationships. The organization provides crisis counseling, legal services, safety planning, emergency shelter, housing advocacy and educational services for men who are in abusive same-sex relationships.www.gmdvp.orgGay Men's Domestic Violence Project
PMB 131
955 Mass Ave.
Cambridge, MA02139
Phone: 617-354-6056
Crisis Hotline: 800-832-1901

Apna Ghar – This is a domestic violence shelter that serves predominantly Asian women and children in the mid-west. It also provides translation and support for non-resident victims of abuse, including legal aid and professional training. www.aphaghar.org Apna Ghar4753 North Broadway, Suite 518
Chicago, IL 60640
Phone: (773) 334-0173
Crisis Hotline: (773) 334-4663

The Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence provides legal assistance to Asian families facing domestic violence issues, including a variety of legal forms, contact information and shelter projects.
www.atask.org Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 120108
Boston, MA02112
Phone: (617) 338-2350
Hotline: (617) 338-2355

See more state information here, Women's Rural Advocacy Program's website at
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/, you'll find a map of the United States. Simply click on your state and another window will open with the names and information on various state domestic violence programs, including additional links.　
　

Getting the Word Out: Is the next most important contribution that you can offer your community ! 　

Michele suggests: · Ask your boss if you can post some brief information about domestic violence on the lunchroom bulletin board. · Put it in an email and send it to everyone in your address book with a quick note saying, "This is important information. You may not need it, but perhaps someone you know might need it, or someone they love may need it. Everyone knows someone who is abused. Don't let this information stop with you. Perhaps today you will save a life without even knowing it. Please pass this on." You send jokes every day, why not this? · Put the information on a flyer and post it on a community bulletin board at your local library · If you work anywhere that people congregate, whether it is a coffee shop, clothing store or insurance office, find out who is in charge of the reading material in waiting rooms or on coffee tables. If there is no material from domestic abuse centers, volunteer to order brochures that can be left out for visitors. Most organizations will provide them free of charge. · If you belong to MySpace or another social networking group or have a Blog, write about domestic abuse and provide links to the organizations you mention. You never know who might take that all-important first step because of you! · If you have your own website, include a link to a domestic violence awareness website on your home page. · If you have been the victim of domestic abuse yourself, consider sharing your story with others. Contact a local shelter, domestic abuse counseling center or other service and tell them you would like to support others with your success story. Knowing that others have succeeded is the single most empowering motivator for victims. · Find out about a walk-a-thon or fundraiser in your area on behalf of domestic violence awareness then donate your time or money. It will raise money and awareness at the same time and you'll probably discover that you'll want to go back for more. Once you've worked with the people who are affected by domestic violence, you're changed forever.

　
　
Provide Your support to victimes, which could include “intervention”:
“The do's and don'ts“:

Don't antagonize (the abuser).Be discreet, without the abuser around, in giving info to the victim.Take Notes: When a friend confesses to you that they are being abused.Contact the Authorities: If you witness physical abuse taking place, contact the authorities immediately. Be Prepared (especially if doing an Intervention). You may even have to help a victim during the middle of the night; often little warning ! Decide what you are comfortable providing in advance.Emotional Support (listen to them without becoming angry or judgmental; do not give negative message, like their abuser. Continue to begin with, "Are you okay?" Listen, then listen some more
Remind her that he/she is not alone (Emphasize that there are many, many organizations to help people in her situation and that you can help her get in touch with these groups. Tell him/her that it is NOT her fault
Be available and be honest (Be willing to meet her at her convenience to discuss her options if she is considering leaving her abuser. Review her options with her and what you can do to help her. Keep in mind the list you prepared of what you are willing to contribute to help her achieve her escape. Above all, be honest about what you can do or not do.Suggest she develop a safety plan (victims should try to put aside some money and a few changes of clothing as well as a set of keys and important documents in a safe place (with you, at work or with a relative or neighbor) in case she has to flee suddenly. Suggest that she talk to a doctor (Professional guidance can be a powerful influence).Offer her access to resources
Explain to her that domestic abuse is a crime
Remind her that she is valuable
　

Remember: “Because both parties are adults, the law doesn't allow the police to intervene unless the abuse is actually taking place at the time of intervention
. “　

Please call if I may assist you (leave message:  (434)473-7470).  Coach Vivian M Webb, C.Ht, CPLC　
　

Domestic Violence: Lesson 3 of 11 Series. Why Victims Stay with Abusers

REMINDER, I am currently taking a Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.


Domestic Violence: Lesson 3 of 11 Series Why Victims Stay with Abusers
Why don’t folks just walking away ?
Per Michelle Money, it‘s complex.

“Understanding WHY they stay can help us to develop empathy

for their situation so that we are better equipped to assist them when they are ready to leave and rebuild their lives free of abuse”. Often the victim becomes “ immobilizes … preventing them from taking action to protect themselves or even their children … it is usually a combination of some of the following.”

KNOW: “The typical victim of domestic violence will leave her abuser seven times before he/she will leave her/him for good.” As we see in the movies, many victims are killed before they ever leave that final time !

“Confusion: An abuser will often seem like the "perfect spouse" to others. In fact, this is a deliberate act … to make sure the victim is convinced that he/she is wrong” Often the victim will even hear others express how "wonderful or catch …or great parent," their partner may be. “He/she begins to think that perhaps they are wrong …”. Maybe it’s only in their “own mind” … Not as “bad as it really was, reassuring themselves that they simply blew things out of proportion.”

Often the “abuser will also show great remorse for his actions, apologizing profusely, promising that it will never happen again and becoming, for a brief period of time, the perfect partner that he shows to the outside world. The victim latches on to this wonderful illusion, enjoying the romance and reveling in the attention, thoughtfulness and care that her partner is showing.”

“People are by nature hopeful, a victim will tend to become even more deeply attached during this phase – which is usually short-lived … Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde”.

“False Hope … They keep hoping that if they just stay a little longer, try a little harder and do a little bit more, they can "fix him/her," or "cure him/her" … The victims convince themselves that they can love the abuser enough to change his/her need to be violent if they try hard enough. This false hope keeps them coming back again and again, convinced each time that this will be the time that they "get it right."
“Fear … It is easy to assume that fear would encourage a victim of abuse to leave, but it actually is more likely to immobilize victims, making them incapable of taking action to protect themselves. Experience has taught victims that their abusers can – and will – hurt them, so they try to keep the peace.”
KNOW: “Three women are killed by their husband or partner every day in the United States every day.
“Threats of personal violence aren't the only weapons abusers use … threaten to take away children … kidnap the children and disappear forever … to kill the victim and the children.” Victims often believe, if they were to run or try and escape, they will be “followed and found … trying to leave will be even more abuse … keeps them from leaving. They choose to stay with what they do know rather than take the risk of what might happen if they try to leave.”

“Lack of Self Esteem is another reason that victims do not leave … their self-esteem continues to deteriorate until they have no confidence in their own judgment or ability to make decisions … simply are not able to think for themselves enough to even formulate an escape plan or take independent action.”
“Self-Doubt … natural outgrowth of lack of self-esteem. Although victims of domestic violence are afraid of their abusers, they are often even more afraid of a future without them. They have been told over and over that they are worthless, stupid, incompetent or worse. They have come to believe that they aren't capable of taking care of themselves or their children.” “Financial fears – Will the victim be able to afford life on her own?
 Legal fears – What will she have to go through to retain custody of her children? Will there 
     be support and divorce issues?
Social fears – What will friends and neighbors think?
Family fears – Will they understand and support his or her decision?” “Lack of Support … a concern for some victims of domestic abuse who have been isolated from their families and friends by their abusers … a classic pattern of manipulation that abusers use to prevent victims from leaving. If their partner has no one else to go to and no where else to stay when they leave, they are less likely to try … Many victims have relocated with their spouses/partners and live their lives limited to friends chosen by their abusers. They aren't able to interact with friends or family when they want to and may, in fact, be forbidden to by their abusers. Without support or understanding from those who care about them, victims may come to believe that they are truly alone on facing their difficulties.”

DO YOU KNOW A LOVED ONE WHOM … You now see less often … Phones less often … Has their calls screened by their “significant other” ?
“Make the effort to call, write, email or do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication open. Even if they don't call back, even if it seems like they aren't interested. Just knowing that you are still there for them and that you still care may be the one thing that gives a victim the courage to take the step to save herself from abuse. Knowing that you are there for her and love her will boost her self-esteem and remind her that she has value.”

“Lack of Information …victims are often at a loss as to where to go or what to do (for help) … he/she may stay simply because she believes that the abuse is a reasonable price to pay for a roof over her head.”
“Religious or Cultural Beliefs can sometimes keep women tied to an abusive spouse … marriage is forever … husband is the head of the family and has the right to control or have dominance over his wife. The guilt or sense of failure … in the eyes of God.”
Other reasons exists.

FYI: “Men who are abused by their wives make up between 10-15% of reported cases of domestic abuse in the United States, although experts suspect the incidence of this may be much higher. They believe that men largely avoid reporting that they are being physically abused because they don't feel that they will be believed or are afraid of the shame that will come from revealing that they are being physically assaulted or emotionally abused by a female. In fact, the stigma of shame, self-doubt and embarrassment can take a horrific toll on male victims, who will often allow their female abusers inflict serious injuries despite their own size and strength advantage because they fear that no one will believe they were defending themselves and that they will end up being labeled as abusers themselves.”
FYI: "Elder Abuse," … It is estimated that one in every ten elderly adult that lives with their children is the victim of domestic abuse.” This includes disabled individuals.

Victim’s “judgment, perception of the world and even their sense of reality is altered so that they are unable to escape without help. Understanding why they stay and what makes it so difficult for them to leave is the first step toward helping the victims of domestic violence.”　
　
　

Take Time Out of Your Relationship and Make Time for Yourself

“It is good for a woman's self-esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself. Helps make you a stronger person "for the benefit of" your relationship !”

Read more of article. http://www.thirdage.com/dating/take-time-out-of-your-relationship-and-make-time-for-yourself

If you live in the Lynchburg Metropolitan area, considering joining other ladies, 1st Wednesday of the month, for Girls Night out.  This month, Charley's.  We're planning to give our group a new name and we will be adding a "cause" to the night.  This week, everyone is donating "can food" and we will establish which charity organization we will be giving this to.  We will also decide other "causes" for other months.  Plan to join and present your valuable input of charity organizations in the Lynchburg area.

Call to RSVP ! (434) 610 1688.  Coach Vivian Webb