Domestic Violence: Lesson 3 of 11 Series. Why Victims Stay with Abusers

REMINDER, I am currently taking a Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.


Domestic Violence: Lesson 3 of 11 Series Why Victims Stay with Abusers
Why don’t folks just walking away ?
Per Michelle Money, it‘s complex.

“Understanding WHY they stay can help us to develop empathy

for their situation so that we are better equipped to assist them when they are ready to leave and rebuild their lives free of abuse”. Often the victim becomes “ immobilizes … preventing them from taking action to protect themselves or even their children … it is usually a combination of some of the following.”

KNOW: “The typical victim of domestic violence will leave her abuser seven times before he/she will leave her/him for good.” As we see in the movies, many victims are killed before they ever leave that final time !

“Confusion: An abuser will often seem like the "perfect spouse" to others. In fact, this is a deliberate act … to make sure the victim is convinced that he/she is wrong” Often the victim will even hear others express how "wonderful or catch …or great parent," their partner may be. “He/she begins to think that perhaps they are wrong …”. Maybe it’s only in their “own mind” … Not as “bad as it really was, reassuring themselves that they simply blew things out of proportion.”

Often the “abuser will also show great remorse for his actions, apologizing profusely, promising that it will never happen again and becoming, for a brief period of time, the perfect partner that he shows to the outside world. The victim latches on to this wonderful illusion, enjoying the romance and reveling in the attention, thoughtfulness and care that her partner is showing.”

“People are by nature hopeful, a victim will tend to become even more deeply attached during this phase – which is usually short-lived … Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde”.

“False Hope … They keep hoping that if they just stay a little longer, try a little harder and do a little bit more, they can "fix him/her," or "cure him/her" … The victims convince themselves that they can love the abuser enough to change his/her need to be violent if they try hard enough. This false hope keeps them coming back again and again, convinced each time that this will be the time that they "get it right."
“Fear … It is easy to assume that fear would encourage a victim of abuse to leave, but it actually is more likely to immobilize victims, making them incapable of taking action to protect themselves. Experience has taught victims that their abusers can – and will – hurt them, so they try to keep the peace.”
KNOW: “Three women are killed by their husband or partner every day in the United States every day.
“Threats of personal violence aren't the only weapons abusers use … threaten to take away children … kidnap the children and disappear forever … to kill the victim and the children.” Victims often believe, if they were to run or try and escape, they will be “followed and found … trying to leave will be even more abuse … keeps them from leaving. They choose to stay with what they do know rather than take the risk of what might happen if they try to leave.”

“Lack of Self Esteem is another reason that victims do not leave … their self-esteem continues to deteriorate until they have no confidence in their own judgment or ability to make decisions … simply are not able to think for themselves enough to even formulate an escape plan or take independent action.”
“Self-Doubt … natural outgrowth of lack of self-esteem. Although victims of domestic violence are afraid of their abusers, they are often even more afraid of a future without them. They have been told over and over that they are worthless, stupid, incompetent or worse. They have come to believe that they aren't capable of taking care of themselves or their children.” “Financial fears – Will the victim be able to afford life on her own?
 Legal fears – What will she have to go through to retain custody of her children? Will there 
     be support and divorce issues?
Social fears – What will friends and neighbors think?
Family fears – Will they understand and support his or her decision?” “Lack of Support … a concern for some victims of domestic abuse who have been isolated from their families and friends by their abusers … a classic pattern of manipulation that abusers use to prevent victims from leaving. If their partner has no one else to go to and no where else to stay when they leave, they are less likely to try … Many victims have relocated with their spouses/partners and live their lives limited to friends chosen by their abusers. They aren't able to interact with friends or family when they want to and may, in fact, be forbidden to by their abusers. Without support or understanding from those who care about them, victims may come to believe that they are truly alone on facing their difficulties.”

DO YOU KNOW A LOVED ONE WHOM … You now see less often … Phones less often … Has their calls screened by their “significant other” ?
“Make the effort to call, write, email or do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication open. Even if they don't call back, even if it seems like they aren't interested. Just knowing that you are still there for them and that you still care may be the one thing that gives a victim the courage to take the step to save herself from abuse. Knowing that you are there for her and love her will boost her self-esteem and remind her that she has value.”

“Lack of Information …victims are often at a loss as to where to go or what to do (for help) … he/she may stay simply because she believes that the abuse is a reasonable price to pay for a roof over her head.”
“Religious or Cultural Beliefs can sometimes keep women tied to an abusive spouse … marriage is forever … husband is the head of the family and has the right to control or have dominance over his wife. The guilt or sense of failure … in the eyes of God.”
Other reasons exists.

FYI: “Men who are abused by their wives make up between 10-15% of reported cases of domestic abuse in the United States, although experts suspect the incidence of this may be much higher. They believe that men largely avoid reporting that they are being physically abused because they don't feel that they will be believed or are afraid of the shame that will come from revealing that they are being physically assaulted or emotionally abused by a female. In fact, the stigma of shame, self-doubt and embarrassment can take a horrific toll on male victims, who will often allow their female abusers inflict serious injuries despite their own size and strength advantage because they fear that no one will believe they were defending themselves and that they will end up being labeled as abusers themselves.”
FYI: "Elder Abuse," … It is estimated that one in every ten elderly adult that lives with their children is the victim of domestic abuse.” This includes disabled individuals.

Victim’s “judgment, perception of the world and even their sense of reality is altered so that they are unable to escape without help. Understanding why they stay and what makes it so difficult for them to leave is the first step toward helping the victims of domestic violence.”