Family and Friends with unstable relationships ? Helping you deal with them.

In our world of family and friends, or maybe even in our own, there are, unfortunately, unstable “couples’ relationships, all around us. Ultimately often turning into D*I*V*O*R*C*E.

Do you often see, one of the persons, or maybe even both ?
* The culprit or the victim of unnecessary drama
* Totally traumatized or in shock over the entire situation
* Run over or taken advantage of by the other
* Continuously Victimization by verbal or physical abuse, which is truly, one in the same

As an outsider, looking in, do you ever wonder why you can fully see the situation at hand, even before it hardly begins ? Yet, this person who it involves is seemingly oblivious or makes excuses for it all ?

Do find yourself trying to for warn these folks, expressing valuable advice, only to watch them do the opposite ? Do you wish you didn’t have to feel “I told you so”, as you watch them experience the exact situation you had hoped to help them avoid ?

Amazing as it might be, there are those few folks who don’t actually see it coming or naïve to believe it could be happing to them. But realistically, many opt to keep on those blindfolds and leave in the ear plugs to their own picture (life). Their lack of predicting and accepting normal outcomes is due to the sand in their eyes or the self verbiage they are giving themselves.

I’m sure you’ve heard it all, but let's reminisce together over things we've heard …Oh …
* That won’t happen
* He/She would never do that to me
* He/she will see the light
* Tomorrow will be different
* He/she says he/she loves me
* This can’t be for real; I’ll wake up soon
* I don’t want to give up, cause they’ll soon see their mistake
* I don’t want to give up, cause this marriage is best for both of us
* I can’t make it on my own
* I don’t want to be alone
* I don’t like failing

You ask, so how can you help ? In reality, know that one can’t be helped unless they opt or take a part in helping themselves ! Not any different than a person wanting to loose weight or stop smoking !

As a coach, one would think my personal friends, experiencing hardships (even other areas of their life), would naturally jump on any advice I freely gave. WRONG. They seriously ignore me like your friends and family do you. When people are not “open” to what you have to say, they won’t hear you, no matter how blue you get in the face/no matter how much you preach, quote the bible, whatever !

Here’s my early age marriage story, which just could ultimately be a happy surprise if it worked for you too. More importantly, the idea of changing YOUR MINDSET; because you know, the only person you can really change is YOU.

My 1^st marriage, 35 years ago this past June, was a physically abusive (not verbal) marriage for me. I crazily followed him off to Alaska, cause he was in the Air Force.

Soon there, all the neighbors could easily hear the abuse. And then one night, a neighbor actually said a few magical inspiring words, which allowed me to let go, and finally decide to save myself (unfortunately, the dog didn’t make it out alive).

Those dramatically words were, “You’re still here, so you must love it”. I quickly said, “No I don’t like the hitting !”. Her response back, “Your staying here actually speaks louder than these words coming out of your mouth ! “. Weee, Wow, Ouch, oh no you didn’t say that … Yet luckily for me … AN AWAKENING !

That moment, I decided, I would rather be a failure in marriage and start all over, than ultimately go without proving HER WRONG, that “I liked it” ! The dog didn’t make it out alive, but I soon high-tailed it back to ol’ Virginie ! (I truly wish I knew who and where this woman was, to personally thank her).

If you’ve yet to experience or leave an abusive marriage, or quickly got out one that you soon learned was wrong, Please know, leaving a marriage takes strength ! The best you can do for family and friends is to help them build their strength or just loan them some of yours !

Actually suggest they go to a coach or counselor, even before it all comes down ! Yet don’t be insulted when they look at you strangely for your suggestion. Remember, when one is not “open” to listening, they will naturally tell you they don’t need it, when in fact, they need it the most. And those who want to help themselves will actually move forward with your idea !

Today I laugh … And unless your personal fears are holding you back, WHY NOT say “You must love it” !  It worked on me (I use it).

PS.  Family members and friends ... When someone is going through something like a separation or divorce, they do actually need "time" to grieve; time to be angry, time to hurt; and even repeat it's self (natural stages of grief).   However, for YOU, as the onlooker >>> If you notice, over and over again, they continue to choose to hurt themselves or opt to be down in the dumps ... Know, that some individuals truly thrive on torture ... Being sad/depressed !  They may even possibly know no other life; believe this is the way it is to be.  If they don't choose to help themselves >>> For YOUR SAKE >>> Know when to let go and just allow them to be their own choices !  And yes, I realize more serious things could possibly happen to them.  How can you stop it unless you with them every moment ! 


Most stories/articles inspired by real situations !

Coach Vivian, specializing in pre-separation, separation, pre-divorce, divorce, pre-dating, dating, and victimization (spousal battering).