No post in my Coaching Blog next week

I will not make another post till Wednesday, November 7.

I will be on a cruise (my main career is "cruise vacation specialist").  Big ship of RCI, out of NJ, headed to Bermuda.  You should be going too !

Domestic Violence: Lesson 10 & 11 of 11 Series. Stopping the Cycle of Abuse and Stopping Abuse Forever

REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.

Series 10 of 11. Stopping the Cycle of Abuse

Don’t we all wish domestic violence would end ! Unfortunately, “It's a cycle that's been going on for thousands of years. If we can learn to recognize the warning signs of potential abuse, however, we can learn to avoid relationships with those who are likely to commit domestic violence. There are also programs today to help abusers learn to control their actions and learn how to effectively communicate. Although there is still debate on how effective these programs are, it is a step in the right direction.”
　

RECOGNIZING THE POTENTIAL ABUSERMany victimized men and woman, both say, "It was completely unexpected … weren't any warning signs! He/she was so charming!" Though this is typically understandable, “there were often red flags … abusers become very skilled at dressing up these red flags with the trimmings of charm and romance so that they seem to be the signs of passionate love and a romantic nature. These predators can fool even the most level-headed individual, so be aware of these signs and pay attention!:
NOTE SIGNS: As they may “mean trouble down the line include … ” (NOTE, though you may see he/she below, these are signs for both sexes:
“Over-riding your decisions. If your partner repeatedly over-rides your choices by saying little things like, "Oh no, I'm sure you'd prefer this one," and then explains that he's "just looking out for you," think twice. This can be a subtle form of manipulation. He may be trying his hand at forcing his own choices on you. Remember, you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. Wanting to know where you are all the time. He may disguise this as "being worried about you," but again, you are an adult. If you already told him you were going out with friends, constant questions are out of line. His worry is simply jealousy. You have the right to a life of your own apart from him; don't let him rule your every moment. He is highly sensitive to criticism. It may seem endearing the first time he overreacts to a mild criticism (isn't it nice that your opinion matters so much?), but this will wear thin after a while. After all, adults who are too thin-skinned require constant praise and reassurance, and don't have much self-esteem. He points out your flaws. If you ask for his opinion, this is fine, but unsolicited criticism isn't needed – it is simply mean-spirited. If he replies that he's "only trying to help," run for the hills – he's trying to change you into someone else. He tells you what to wear. No, this isn't a sign that he's really paying attention to you and your wardrobe. It's a sign that he's treating you like a Barbie doll he wants to dress up. His jokes are at your expense. Teasing you or embarrassing you in front of others is demeaning, not affectionate. He falls in love quickly and completely. Adult relationships and fairy tale romances are two different things. One is real, the other isn't. If it feels like he is moving too quickly, it is a gut feeling you should pay attention to – he may try to exert pressure and control over you very quickly.” 　
　
It is actually easy, for men and women, who usually think they can not get “swept off their feet” to be swept away, due to charm and romance !

　
COUNSELING FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE. Available in almost every state now. “While there is a great deal of debate raging over how effective these programs really are, it is obvious that they are a step in the right direction.”
Topics may include, but not limited to (may need to commit to regular counseling for a year; individual & group):
* Focus on the abuser taking responsibility for his or her actions.
* Learn to redirect their anger and need for control into more appropriate channels and save their marriages.

NOTE, sometimes “domestic abuse has been caught relatively early on in the relationship and the abuse has not yet escalated into severe, debilitating violence against the spouse or partner. The longer the abuse has gone on and the more severe the injuries sustained by the victim, the less likely it is that counseling for the abuser will be effective.”
NOTE, often “abusers initially enter therapy as part of a court ordered Intervention Program, although some enter a Domestic Violence Prevention Program voluntarily.”
　
GOAL OF PROGRAMS: “Teach abusers techniques for communicating nonviolently, creating a "safety net" or "time out" to protect the victims whenever a confrontation escalates, provide mentors and support groups and help the abusers to recognize why they are acting out on their loved ones.”
　
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS should: “Place a priority on the safety of the victim
Have a minimum requirement for attendance (at least once a week for at least four months)
Hold each attendant accountable for his or her actions
Demand that every member of group therapy participate
Allow input from the victim if the victim chooses to do so”
　NON-VERBAL SIGNAL WHEN ARGUMENT IS ESCALATING: “One important feature of these programs is the "signal" that will be agreed upon between the abuser and the abused that is to be used any time that an argument or situation may be escalating toward violence. This hand signal can be used by either partner and must be respected by both – and it means that the argument must immediately stop while both sides retreat to separate rooms to cool off for an agreed upon length of time. The sign should be non-verbal so that it doesn't contribute to the argument.”
　
SIGNS THAT THERAPY MAY BE WORKING:
“No more violence or threatening gestures
Acknowledgment that he has been wrong in the past
An apology for his past behavior
He no longer tries to make all of the decisions or tries to control your actions
He can disagree with you without frightening you or intimidating you
He lets you express your opinion without becoming angry or judgmental
He lets you say, "No."
He has become empathetic and learned to see situations from other points of view, not just his own
He is trying to make amends for his mistakes
He doesn't question you about everything you did or didn't do during the day”
　
　
SIGNS THAT THERAPY IS NOT WORKING:
If he says, "I'm not the only one who needs counseling," he is trying to excuse his problem by saying that others do it.
If he says, "I'm not as bad as some of the others in my group," he is trying to minimize his problem in comparison to others.
If he claims that he will be "cured" as soon as the course is done, he is just going through the motions and doesn't understand that recovery is a long, difficult process, not just a set of classes.
If he demands that you do something in exchange for his attending the class, he is blackmailing you and expecting payment for his therapy.

　
VICTIMES PLEASE NOTE; NEVER DO:“Victims of domestic violence should NEVER suggest or participate in Couples Counseling or Marriage Counseling. This type of counseling is wonderful for most marriages that are struggling with a variety of issues, but it can be very dangerous for couples where one partner is abusing the other. In some cases, it even escalates the level of violence in the home”.
“Couples' Counseling does NOT work in domestic violence situations because:
Couples counseling puts responsibility on both partners. But violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
Couples counseling works only when both partners are open, honest and ready to make changes. Abusers minimize their own faults, deny the truth and blame others for their own problems. They do not tell the truth in counseling.
Couples in counseling talk openly about a variety of problems. A victim of abuse who tells a counselor about the abuse may be punished by her abuser after the session. If she keeps silent, she is lying by omission and giving even more power to her abuser and nothing will change.”
　
“The only time that couples counseling or marriage counseling can be considered is when and if the abuser has successfully completed individual and group therapy for abusers and shown (preferably for at least a year) that he has changed his ways. If he understands his own issues and can truly be a partner who lives with you without becoming abusive, then you can consider couples counseling if you feel it might help at that point.”

　
　LAST SESSION, #11 - STOPPING ABUSE FOREVER

“The ultimate goal is a world without domestic violence.
Until everyone understands that no amount of violence and no kind of abuse – whether it is emotional, verbal or physical – is acceptable, we haven't won the war against domestic abuse.”　

In order to help in stopping domestic violence, we need to being with, “Teaching out teens and our children that violence or aggression in any form is not acceptable in relationships. We must give them the skills they need to cope with the stresses of daily life and relationships so that they won't repeat the mistakes so many families are making today. We must also educate adults so that they can cope better and learn how to make marriages and relationships work without abuse. Some have suggested that if counseling took place before there were problems, there would be much less abuse to deal with down the line. Perhaps this is so.”

“Educating our youth about domestic violence is essential to stopping abuse. Some people worry that talking about domestic abuse only makes it more prevalent, but that's not at all the case.
In fact, domestic abuse often starts at a shockingly young age. Most parents are stunned by the statistics regarding how many teenagers have committed or been the victims of domestic violence at the hands of their boyfriends or girlfriends.”

　

·

* 1 in 5 high school students is abused by a partner.* 40% of girls between the ages of 14 and 17 report knowing someone who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
* 1 in 4 teenagers go further sexually than they want to because they are threatened or intimidated by their partner.
　
“There is plenty of evidence that it is more likely to occur if these teens witnessed or were the victims of abuse as children, but it is by no means limited solely to these families.
Sometimes families with no history of violence at all have children who grow up to become abusers for any number of unknown reasons. This is all the more reason why education must begin at an early age
– there is no way to distinguish who may turn out to be an abuser and who may end up a victim.

Education in the Classroom: Increasingly, high schools and middle schools are teaching courses on dispute resolution and communication between the sexes in either sex education classes or health classes. These courses outline the warning signs of domestic abuse, provide information on protecting themselves and others from abuse and offer ways to prevent abuse. Role playing and various other techniques help students learn how to interact properly and overcome violent tendencies.
Education at Home: It's never too early to talk to children or teens about domestic abuse. Discuss with them appropriate ways to express anger and frustration and what is and is not acceptable behavior in a relationship. Be very firm and very clear about what is out of bounds. Listen to how boys talk about women – if you hear derogatory language, call them on it! Explain how hurtful those words are and why you will not permit them.
Be a role model at home on how to have a loving relationship. Always model respectful, appropriate behavior by treating your spouse or partner with dignity and kindness.
Remember, children and teens learn what they see and experience; they will treat others they way they have been treated and the way they see you treat your own partner. Your children watch what you do and pick up their cues from you. Always be aware of how your express anger, frustration or discontent. Help your children define healthy relationships by demonstrating what one is.

Organizations: Each year more organizations, including hospitals, outreach groups and health organizations are sponsoring programs that help mentor and lead teens in learning how to interact appropriately and develop healthy relationships.
One such organization, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, has established an initiative to stop violence through promoting various relationship-building activities for teens and youth aged 10 to 14. For more about this program, visit
www.buildinghealthyteenrelationships.org or the foundation at www.rwjf.org.
Another outstanding organization that supports an end to domestic violence that provides mentoring, leadership and resources for fathers who wish to end the cycle of domestic violence is Founding Fathers. Visit their website at
www.founding-fathers.org for more information and to sign up to become a member. The site Love is Respect at
www.loveisrespect.org is a National Dating Abuse website and hotline that defines dating abuse, outlines how to recognize it and has an excellent online quiz that teens can take to determine if their own relationship is abusive. The Teen Dating Bill of Rights outlines the rights each teen has when dating and includes a pledge that teens may sign to uphold the rights and dignity of their partners.”

　

EMPLOYERS:“It has only been within the last decade the employers have begun consistently including formal Domestic Abuse Policies in their human resources training, workforce policies and employee training programs. Fortunately, many companies today recognize that domestic violence is a very real and immediate problem that must be addressed and they are not only helping employees who are victims, they are educating all employees about how they can help.”

COUNSELING BEFORE BECOMING A MARRIED COUPLE (gender roles, children, money issues, career issues, etc): “Divorce rate and the rate of domestic abuse may be reduced by couples undergoing counseling before there are any signs of problems evident in their relationships. The theory is that, by talking with a professional, communications skills can be developed and any major problems can be addressed that may not have been thought of yet by the partners. Addressing these issues in a controlled environment with professional guidance rather than being blindsided by them when you are under stress may help some couples avoid the tension that leads to abuse.”
“Studies have shown that those couples who are open to pre-marital counseling tend to be more successful in their marriages. This is in part because each person possesses the humility to accept guidance and encouragement in order to strengthen their love and nurture it.”
　
　

In conclusion, as a country, we need to help stop domestic violence and bullying !


FYI, in reference to this last series, one reason I believe in the show, Super Nannie, is because I believe correction in domestic violence can actually begin RIGHT AT HOME with discipline !

Domestic Violence: Lesson 8 & 9 of 11 Series. Moving forward after an abusive relationship. Know what makes a healthy relationship

REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.



Part 8 of 11.

The survivors of domestic abuse, not only have a challenge in rebuilding their own life, but in their relationships (romantic and any kind). After dealing with low self-esteem and lack in confidence, for possibly years, it’s not exactly a simple task, but a needed one !

In rebuilding their lives, the survivors need to begin with focusing on themselves; which can be someone difficult and new for them. They need to first, “build a relationship with themselves before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are – not what they think men are looking for.”

Remember these folks have been use to meeting the demands of another person. Know, “most survivors have lost track of their own personalities and need to take the time to rediscover who they really are. The person who deserves the most kindness and compassion is you.”

During this process, the survivor will need to relearn how to talk to themselves. Instead of listening to those inner voices of, "That was stupid," or "You made another mistake," … change to “Well, you're a smart woman who made a mistake, it's okay," or "You did so many other good things today, you've really made great progress." Change negative self-talk to positive; begin looking at little mistakes as minor !

The survivor truly needs to start being good to themselves ! Be their own best friend ! It will take time, but personal confidence most certainly can rebuild.




For years, this person may have not been allowed to make any decisions, or even barely allowed to speak, and surely was always trying to avoid conflict. So the survivor, needs to next, work at being more assertive. Learn to speak up for your desires, opinions, dreams, wish; be heard and get what you want and need !

Developing those platonic friendships are very important to a survivor. Especially with folks you may have some common interest with; like other single mothers, if you are a mother, etc. It’s only normal at times, to feel scared about opening up, but continue to keep cultivating these relationships; you are worth it, and friendships can be very valuable; especially during the difficult times and possible flashbacks.


If you are a friend of a survivor, remember, they will have difficult days and your friendship is highly needed. Notice whether they act like they are ok, when in fact, they may not be. Also, watch to make sure they are not isolating themselves nor making less effort in contact. If you start seeing such issues, make the effort to firmly confront them; letting this person know you care and you are concerned. Stay “constant in their lives, even when they are inconstant”.

Another valuable concept or tool for a survivor is getting to know other survivors. “Knowing that another individual has survived the drama of domestic abuse, gone through the recovery process and come out on the other side not only as a survivor but as a strong, successful and happy person with a rich and rewarding life can be incredibly motivating and reassuring … Talking to someone who has faced the same struggles and learning from them how they have coped with the challenges of starting a new life can help guide a survivor on their own journey.”


“A role model can answer many questions that a survivor of domestic abuse might have. Practical advice on handling everything from how to handle those moments of insecurity to how to find out about financial aid or counseling services can all be gleaned from conversations with a good role model. Don't be afraid to ask them how they've managed to juggle all of the many new responsibilities, how they knew when they were ready to date again or how they learned how to balance a checkbook for the first time. No question is too small.”

“Eventually, most survivors of domestic abuse do get to the point where they feel ready to consider a romantic relationship. Survivors may feel (and rightly so) very cautious, finding it difficult to trust any potential partner. Even after they have progressed to a relationship, they may feel anxious, fearful that their new romantic interest will try at some point to assert control over them.”


“Caution isn't a bad thing when starting a new relationship, but you must be able to balance this with your new sense of confidence and a willingness to explore your emotions and not let your fears get in the way of the possibility of a positive relationship with a new partner.”


“Setting firm guidelines for yourself and the relationship will help you feel comfortable in a new relationship:
Take things slowly, moving at a pace that you feel comfortable with.
Be sure to watch for any of the warning signs of domestic abuse that you've learned from counseling.

Stay in contact with family and friends that support you and listen to their opinions; reality checks can keep you on track in the first heady days of a new romance.

Keep your finances and other private information separate until you are completely confident and sure that the other individual is trustworthy. You may decide that you never want to combine these aspects of your life – and this is fine; do not let your new partner insist on anything you aren't comfortable with.

Remember, if you begin having symptoms of PTSD or become very anxious while trying to capture a new romantic relationship, plan to reach out to a counselor or coach. This can be normal; so plan on giving yourself the best help you may need !



---------------------------------------------------

Part 9 of 11.

If you are a friend of a survivor, or dating a survivor, it’s to your advantage and theirs to read up on the subject (to include: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). "One excellent book is Supporting Women After Domestic Violence: Loss, Trauma and Recovery, by Hilary Abrahams another is Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free, by Elaine Weiss)."

　


“What is a Healthy Relationship?
Healthy relationships recognize that each partner is equal to the other. This means equal needs being met and equal responsibilities. Not necessarily an equal division of labor, but an equal sense of respect for their relative responsibilities and an equal weight placed on the importance of each person's needs.
Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their dignity.
Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their personal identities and independence.
One person does not have power or control over another in a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, disagreements are not cause for undue distress. They can be settled through discussion with mutual respect and value for each other's opinions rather than intimidation, control or judgment.
Healthy relationships do not allow for emotional abuse, name calling, mind games, guilt trips or manipulation.
Healthy relationships encourage affection, openness and honesty.
Healthy relationships allow each individual to pursue their own friendships, interests and goals in addition to having mutual interests, friendships and goals. This provides balance to the relationship.
Both partners are accountable in a healthy relationship – both will admit when they are wrong, be responsible for their actions and willingly communicate truthfully and openly. Shared decision making and shared parenting is essential to healthy relationships. No one person can be the final arbiter of life-changing or major decisions.
Both partners must benefit emotionally and financially in a healthy relationship. Money decisions are made together and discussed openly. Neither partner keeps money secret from the other.
Compromise, negotiation and fairness are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both partners have the right to complain, voice their opinions or disagree; but neither partner has the right to demean, hit or abuse the other person in any way.
In a healthy relationship, each person keeps the welfare and happiness of their partner uppermost in their minds – they wish to contribute to the happiness of their partner in an unselfish manner.”

Tips for friends of survivors:
* Listen, especially if the survivor opens up.
* Don’t be shocked over stories.
* Don’t be offended when survivor often feels distance or non-touchy; it can be this way, especially after re-talking this subject.
* Be honest and open. There are no magic words to use.

Remember, couples therapy (counselor or coach) may be a good idea, if you are a survivor or dating one. It can help “each partner to better understand the other's past and gives them valuable communication skills:
The individual concerns of each partner
Acknowledging individual needs and what each person needs to contribute to a partnership
Learning how to listen more closely
How to communicate more clearly
Identifying both common and individual goals
Identifying and understanding each other's stressors
Responding properly to panic and anxiety”
　




Survivors can learn to have healthy and loving relationships.
　




　　
　

Know the statistics of Bullying for you and your child. A must see film, "The Bully Project". The life you save may be YOUR CHILD/GRANDCHILD.

"The Bully Project"
http://thebullyproject.com/



As a teacher and Life Coach, seeing this movie title, I was draw in going to see.  Wasn’t actually a movie, but a film; which is basically what a movie is called when it is more for educational purposes versus entertainment.

This was more like a reality show.  It was actual daily events of a few children that were being bullied.  Some, opted in taking their own lives; and one, almost took the lives of others !

It’s an educational piece that … *  Is trying to reach out, in letting others know, that Bullying is for real in our lives ! 
*  Shows where children may turn, or believe is their only option, because the bullying in their life won’t stop.
*  Provided families that had lost there children to bullying.
*  Makes sense why many children have low self esteem
*  Shares how cruel children can be to others
*  Lets you know that your children do not often let you know what is going on in their school lives (whether they are being bullied or they are they one doing the bullying).
*  Has you thinking about why kids and even adults may eventually reach out and harm others.

Bullying is often thought of as an isolated act or a situation where only a few kids at school are affected.  When in fact, it’s much bigger that the average parent or consumer is aware of.


Check this out (your childs school):http://www2.wsls.com/news/2012/may/09/local-bullying-stats-available-online-ar-1903817/


As you watch this film, and see the parent reaching out to the school system for help, you also see that they continued to hear words like, “oh, it happens with all kids; no big deal”, or “there’s nothing we can do to stop how people do others“.  Where in fact, I believe too, like the folks on the film, that schools most definitely need to take a stand.

Schools may not be allowed to smack children in today’s society, however, discipline can most certainly be enforced without a hitting a child !   Just like parents are taught in parenting classes, discipline is what shows children you care about them !


“Discipline is a symbol of caring to a child. He needs guidance. If there is love, there is no such thing as being too tough with a child.”  ― Bette Davis

“Discipline isn't about showing a dog who's boss; it's about taking responsibility for a living creature you have brought into your world.” ― Cesar Millan

“You can't make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn't made them wish they had. ”  ― Marshall B. Rosenberg

“Why is discipline important? Discipline teaches us to operate by principle rather than desire. Saying no to our impulses (even the ones that are not inherently sinful) puts us in control of our appetites rather than vice versa. It deposes our lust and permits truth, virtue, and integrity to rule our minds instead.”  ― John F. MacArthur Jr.


For me, the movie had value.  My wish is that all folks truly opt in taking the time to see this film; even one that ought to be shown at school, with the parents, right by the side of their children when viewing !  I believe it can help ….

#1, Make parents and consumers better aware (being more aware of surroundings/situations)
#2, Reach out to those kids being bullied in hopes they will opt in speaking up.
#3, Speak to the bullies !

It’s actually one I would like to see again, in capturing that which I may have missed  !


Though I’m 110% for Bullying needing to be STOPPED, we do not live in a perfect World.  Sadly, I am sure, there are folks out there that could care less if their kids bully another.

That’s why I’m sure many parents often turn to “Home Schooling”.  Sorry, I am anti-home schooling, “unless“ you have encountered a drug problem or your child has been victim of bullying and no one is helping you; and you too feel you have no where else to turn ! 

However know ... the Bullying concept is becoming more known and recognized today !  And as a society or a parent, I do not feel any of us should run or hide from a problem, such as this.  Instead, we need to fight together to fix it, so your kids too, have their RIGHT in being able to be around, interacting and socializing with other kids of their age !


See WSET-TV NEWS in LYH article (National Bullying Prevention Month:http://www.wset.com/story/19728798/national-bullying-prevention-month-talking-to-your-kids-about-bullying


My other thought, while watching the movie was, parents need to choose in taking a pre-initiative in prepared their children in dealing with possible bullying.   WHY NOT, even before school age !

Take a look at your child … You think your child is perfect (understandably in your eyes) …  Be realistic; how will others perceive your child ?   Heard this story other day (thanks Schaef) … “Look at my child in the band; he is the only one keeping in step !”. 

Unfortunately, society often looks at folks who are different, strangely, rather than having that needed empathy and compassion , which would help the World be a better place !   Haven't you caught your own self looking at someone who may have looked or acted oddly ?  Remember, how we react to folks, I children follow suit !

Think about it for a moment (as I did while watching the movie), what is the definition of different ?  Wearing braces, long ears, big nose, skinny lips, over weight, short hair, old clothes, very slow in moving, can't play ball, does not balance well on a beam, straight A student, talkative ... The list goes on !


See what I found online, right here in LYH:
http://lynchburgkarate.com/bully_proof_workshop.html

All in all, it's not about teaching your kids to get out there and fighting (matter of act, karate teaches you differently than this) ... It's about building self-esteem; building coordination; giving them those tools they need !  Just as equal to parent deciding braces for their kids or pushing them in sports or the goal of college !  Kids need help in surviving in societ NOW !

“Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.”
― Thucydides


Also see what I found online in LYH:
YWCA, Coming soon: The Daily Drama, an anti-bullying program.
For more information contact Jenna Lodge or Leslie Bailey at 434-528-1041.


We need to stand together in Lynchburg (just like Internet issues with children and Domestic Violence) !  If you personally hear of any additional involvement or movement, remember to call me too !  (434) 473-7470

85% of folks have encountered a “Bully”. In past. In the present. Are you kids being bullied ? What determines a bully. How to STOP it.

This week was to be lesson 8 of 11, of my series on Domestic Violence (Next week will be lesson  unless someone contacts me and wishes I would continue this week and not wait).  However, I choose to take a little break from the series, basically because I took another great class this week, and I myself, personally ran up onto a "long-time well known bully" !

Insight below comes from a class offered by Michele Money.

Bullying

Bullying is “repeated, malicious verbal mistreatment driven by a desire to control the target.”

“Most common tactics include, but not limited to ….
Blaming
Personal or professional criticism
Name calling
Threats
Insults and put-downs
Minimizing or denying achievements
Exclusion or "icing out"
Stealing credit
Invading personal space or property”
(From other parts of Michele's class) Believe it or not, it includes "gossipping", "lies", starting of "rumors", and even leaving someone out. “All harassment is bullying, as long as the actions have the effect, intended or not, of hurting the target
. That means that it doesn't matter if the bully thinks he or she is being funny, innocent, or clever, or that the target is being "too sensitive." What matters is that the bully's behavior is having a negative impact on the target's health and self-esteem, personal and professional relationships, and possibly finances.”

“Some bullies yell or scream
. Others are more passive aggressive in their behaviors. Often when confronted, especially when they've been allowed to get away with the behavior over a period of time, they will deny that they've done anything and tell the target that it's "all in their head." A refusal to take responsibility for how he or she has made the target feel is ANOTHER form of bullying behavior.

Work place, schoolyard, or bullying that you may encounter at home, are all somewhat the same; “all are seeking power through the humiliation of another person”; and targeting one‘s self esteem. However, in the work place, it can also effect your “economic livilihood” as well.

“Two traits characterize every bully ....
* Insecurity
* Need for power”


Which type bully have you encountered in your life ? Whether it be now or in the past ?

FROM VIVIAN: I have sadly met everyone of these type bullies. Not so much as a child, but more as an adult (Whether it be a family member or a boyfriend) !
“Chronic bullies - - Chronic bullies try to dominate people at every encounter, on and off the job. Waitresses, store clerks, family members and colleagues are all subject to their wrath. Sometimes their behavior can seem, or may actually be, sociopathic. Some may actually delight in treating others cruelly or torturing them into subservience. Often, chronic bullying behavior is a product of a failure to confront one's deepest feelings of person inadequacy or self-loathing. Often these are the same people who were bullies on the playground. By the time they become adults, they have honed this abusive stance over the course of a lifetime.
Opportunist bullies - - Essentially, opportunist bullies are "climbers." They justify their behavior by chalking it up as "part of the game." They're frequently skilled at allying with those higher on the chain of command that may see them as winners or leaders, and are equally skilled at hiding their bullying tactics as required to keep them in good standing with those who can help them in their careers. Accidental bullies - - the accidental bully is simply socially awkward and unaware of the effect of his or her actions on other people. The accidental bully says or does inappropriate things that may come across as personal affronts, and easily loses patience when explaining concepts to others. This does not make the behavior excusable, and usually when confronted, the accidental bully retreats and apologizes.

Substance abusing bullies - - alcoholic or drug addicted bullies are dangerous, as they may lose control of their behavior. They exist in every profession, at every income level.”

Why do bullies come after certain or select folks (kids) ?
Sadly, but those most often targeted seem …
* Vulnerable
* Bright and promising
* Cooperative and kind


No matter the reason, “if the person does not stand up for him or herself, the bully …
* Fulfills their need to criticize others freely without repercussion
* And will likely establish a pattern of doing so.”

Though it may seem hard, uncomfortable, or you may have fear of retaliation, or even uncertainty if you are just being too sensitive, you need to choose to stand strong and confront this person; Step 1, Firmly, yet calmly, let them know, you won't tolerate the behavior (make this as a statement, “not as an exclamation point nor a questions”).

Trust yourself in knowing that you are being mistreated. Being silent and avoiding the issue will only allow for this opportunity to rise again; and it shows the bully that he/she can get away with being this type person; and it allows them to opt in targeting others.


Statement can include …
"Stop. I don't appreciate being talked to this way."
"I'm not going to tolerate being spoken to that way."
"The way you're speaking to me is inappropriate."
"You are making me feel uncomfortable."

Pick one of the above, and say it. Firmly, calmly, and with a period at the end (rather than an exclamation point or a question mark.)

Even is the bully is your boss or spouse, “you should tell them that the way they're speaking to you makes you uncomfortable, and that you are not willing to be subjected to disrespect.”

If Step 1 does not work, then Step 2, Walk away.
Though these tactics most often work, sometimes the bully does not stop.

Step 3. Ask a question (still calm and firm; not scared).
"Why would you say something like that?"
"Why are you speaking to me like that?"
"Are you angry about something?"
"Did I do something to offend you?"

The question is NOT about starting an argument; that‘s why you want to stay sincere and calm. Often a question like this will embarrass the bully and they will back down. However, if it makes them more argumentative, again, state that this makes you uncomfortable and simply walk away.


FROM VIVIAN: Next Michele says, do NOT confront the bully by email. Her reasoning is, as we all know, tone and intention gets misinterpreted. Though I 100% agree and have experienced that emails can be misinterpreted, I must sit here and think on this.

MORE:  In my encounters, I have found that bullies most often won’t let you speak and simply jump all over you immediately when you do. That’s why, I would handle by a letter. However, I think what Michele is saying here is, you’re not looking for in depth conversation here, such as telling them off or telling them all the things they have done. What you simply need to focus on here is just, STOPPING IT, and then DROPPING IT (end of subject). If this is the case, then I understand her reasoning here.

MORE:  However, thinking on this again.  If by chance, you are really scared or know this person will not let you speak, for me, I would write a note that specifically only said:
*  I do not appreciate being talked to the way that you do; I will no longer accept this tone nor words; you can expect me to walk away or hang up, any time it happens again.
Personally I would drop it there, ESPECIALLY if there are specific things that you are upset over with this person (things they have done to you) !
But if you honestly don't know why they are doing this, and are open to getting to the root, then next, I would include one of Michele's questions, such as ...
*  Did I do something to offend you ?
*  If you would like to calmly discuss this, please contact me.
You could even opt to bring in a mediator (not a friend)

More tips from Michele:
* Don’t allow the bully to alienate you from others, such as co-workers and family members (Don’t behave like a victim).
* Remember your worth ! Their behavior looks bad on them, not you !
* Don’t avoid the bully but don’t think you must build a friendship (be overly friendly)
* Keep ALL your personal information to yourself (so the bully can not use info on you later - hit you below the belt).
* Protect your reputation (try to resolve with the bully first, but if this bully is a co-worker, you may need to turn to your boss or HR person next; even if this person is your boss).

If you are still wondering if you should do anything about the bully … REMEMBER, it’s not only you affected, it affects your whole family (co-workers, etc) ! Whether it be mental abuse or affecting your job performance (financially).

Stand up for yourself. If need be, seek out a coach.



REMEMBER, bullying affects YOUR mental health (if you are thinking about it all the time, it's affecting YOU !).
AND, if you are receiving physical abuse from this bully, reach out to the police immediately !

　

Conflict in your life or relationship (spouse, sibling, parent, employer, customer, etc) ? If choose to ignore, is there any MINIMUM results you can receive from this ? Are you aware of the worst that can happen ?

Conflict is something that can not simply be ignored. A particular conflict or situation may seemingly fizzle out in time, however, if not addressed, the underlying emotions and attitudes, not only can remain, but can HIGHLY GROW, between the two parties involved. Not only grow, but actually return like a poison, causing often, a much more intense problem !

When you choose to let conflict continue or get larger, a person can face enormous consequences. You will find yourself involved in constantly putting out MORE FIRES, adding to bitterness rather than moving on with your life in a more prosperous way.

Conflict can arise over the slightest thing and can escalate into a major confrontation between several factions.

REMEMBER: Viewpoints can be like night and day. How one acts is defined by how one thinks. And how one thinks is defined by one’s attitudes and assumptions, No two people are alike. Each one of us brings our very own "worldview" with us wherever we go.

100 factors can be involved, such as:
Our childhood experiences
Our economic situation
Our family life or home life
Our current health situation
Our overall health
Our education
Our hobbies and interests
Our entertainment choices
Our friends and relatives and other relationships
Our background in similar situations
Our self-esteem
Our assumptions of the other person (or people) involved
Our concept of ourselves


When conflict arises, it truly needs to be dealt with fairly immediate.

NOTE, conflict affects self-esteem. Whether it’s yours or the other party (ies) involved ! The worst in my mind, is that it truly can actually lead to health problems in a person. It can cause a person to be less productive (because they often stay focused on the conflict).  Oh, maybe it's not affecting you, but only the other person, huh ? Think out of the box.  This could utlimately and eventually affect your POCKET BOOK !  (If you are not willing to compromise (or your partner), and this is a marriage conflict, GET OUT !  Yes, I am point blank !  People never change - whether it's you or them - the choice is COMPROMISE; and if you are one who won't with a partner who won't - GET OUT NOW !  I personally don't believe in lingering relationships that are not working !  It can lead to folks running around, and yes, BAD HEALTH !).

NOTE: Folks not actually part of the conflict, are more effected than you possibly realize, whether it’s your children, other family members, co-workers, etc.

NOTE: Conflict does not provide a conducive environment for anyone to live in effectively.
　


"The law, for all its failings, has a noble goal -- to make the little bit of life that people can actually control more just. We can't end disease or natural disasters, but we can devise rules for our dealings with one another that fairly weigh the rights and needs of everyone, and which, therefore, reflect our best vision of ourselves." Scott Turow, Author and Lawyer　
　

To begin analyzing the conflict, ask yourself these questions:
How might I be affected by the conflict or its outcome?
At the time of the conflict, what was actually suppose to be taking place (resolution over something; or maybe it was just a normal basic conversation ?)?
What are the main points of each side of the conflict?

You may need a mediator (coach) ! 
REMEMBER:  Both points of view can truly be different.
　

　
　

Domestic Violence: Lesson 7 of 11 Series. The After-Effects of Domestic Abuse

REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.




* “25% of white women who attempt suicide were victims of domestic abuse.* 50% of African American women who attempt suicide were victims of domestic abuse

* 60% of all battered women suffer from severe depression
* Children who witness domestic abuse or domestic violence are far more likely to suffer from depression, PTSD and anxiety disorders than their peers.
* Children who witness domestic abuse or domestic violence have a higher suicide rate than their peers.
* Abused women with PTSD are sometimes misdiagnosed as having an alcohol or drug problem or mental illness if their doctor is not made aware of their history as the victim of domestic abuse.”
　


After-Effects of Domestic Abuse “ranging from economic hardship to being socially isolated.” And may possibly suffer from “a variety of psychological and physical symptoms as well that can interfere with their ability to build a new life. These may include depression, anxiety attacks, alcohol and drug abuse, inability to make decisions, headaches, recurring illnesses, lethargy and a host of other incapacitating problems that can make it very difficult for a survivor of abuse to be successful in taking the next steps in creating a new life.


“Many of these symptoms fall under the category of a psychological disorder called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
PTSD is a psychological reaction to experiencing traumatic events. The traumatic event can be anything from a natural disaster to the experiences of war, but generally those who have PTSD suffer most who have experienced prolonged trauma such as lengthy domestic abuse, living in a war zone, sexual abuse or living under an oppressive regime.”
“Symptoms of PTSD include:
Replaying of the abuse in a litany of "what if," such as "What if I had been a better wife/person/mother…"
Sudden, frightening flashbacks or memories of traumatic events or reliving an attack despite the desire not to.
Nightmares, insomnia and difficulty staying asleep.
An exaggerated startle reflex, particularly in response to specific triggers such as loud noises, male voices (if the abuser was male), or particular situations.
Being easily frustrated, losing their temper easily and flying into a rage or breaking down into tears in situations that don't seem to warrant such extreme reactions.
Being emotionally overwrought, crying easily and often.
Lack of interest in friends and family; withdrawing from activities and becoming apathetic.
Numbness and an inability to relate to or interact with others.
Not willing to be touched; resisting embraces or affection of any kind. Flinching when touched.
Panic attacks.
Not willing to be left alone or not willing to be in crowds or be with people they don't know well.
Feeling fearful or having a feeling of dread of unknown or unsubstantiated things; being afraid to leave home or being afraid to be home alone.
Difficulty making even simple decisions and difficulty solving problems.
Confusion and feelings of disorientation.
Feeling helpless and overwhelmed by routine activities.
Inability to concentrate (such as reading something repeatedly and not comprehending it).
An edgy, nervous, "on edge" feeling that causes a "fight of flight" response. This is often called the "shoe drop" feeling – the survivor of abuse is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting at any moment that something brutal is about to happen.
Depression is often a major component of PTSD, including feelings of sadness, loneliness, lack of energy and changes in eating habits.”

How to Respond to Abuse Survivors with PTSD

Folks, though need to instantly move towards recovery, “they will need considerable patience from everyone because the recovery process can take months, even years.”
Keep “lines of communication open … letting them know you are willing to help them in any way you can, you will let them know that you won't abandon them and that you believe in them. Understanding … Acceptance … Empowerment”

Listen; without interruption and judgment.
Help with any needed research for local resources.
Suggest, but don’t push, the concept of counseling or reaching out to a coach
Encourage moving forward; and praise even for the little steps; help build self-esteem.
　
Know, there are psychological treatment options !
Reach out to a mental health professional for an evaluation !
Treatment is tailored to the individual, such as anxiety and stress; even alcohol or drug abuse.
Psychiatrists or doctors may even choose to prescribe medications that can help with PTSD (controls symptoms, does not cure) in conjunction with therapy, counseling or coaching; antidepressant medications may be prescribed to help with anxiety and stabilizing one’s mood (note, these don’t help instantly; can take weeks to take an effect)


“Behavioral therapy encourages individuals to learn ways to alter their reactions to certain situations or triggers in order to overcome them. In the case of PTSD, patients are encouraged to confront their fears in order to alter their behavior in a positive manner through self-control. One way to do this is by exposure to their fears. Obviously, for PTSD the victim of abuse isn't expected to confront their abuser; instead, they are asked to recall the trauma of the abuse in detail, in effect reliving the events. This must be done very carefully, guided by a licensed psychotherapist in a controlled environment. If done properly, it can help reduce and eventually eliminate the anxiety and depression associated with the horrific memories. Learning to control flashbacks and other anxiety responses through self-controlled relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing techniques are also very helpful to those with PTSD.”

“Cognitive-behavioral therapy, sometimes called, CBT, is a type of psychotherapy that is effective for many different types of anxiety disorder as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It combines cognitive therapy, in which individuals learn to change their "thinking patterns," with the behavioral therapy we've already discussed.”

“Cognitive therapy helps individuals see more clearly that what they were previously thinking (for instance, during a panic attack, they might have been thinking, "I'm going to die!") is not true and enables to replace those erroneous thoughts with more accurate ones ("I'm having a panic attack, but I'm going to be okay. I can control this.")”

In dealing with PTSD and knowing they are not alone, due to family and friend, they have a chance at changing their lives from victim to survivor !

In my own person experience as a victim of spousal abuse, I can tell you, many folks never seek out psychological help, for many different reasons ... Often, don't think they need it ... Often the expense/cost for such help ... Often family/friends never suggest ... The fear of others thinking they must be crazy if seeing a psychiatrist or coach.  PLEASE KNOW, these folks need to see somene, for their own sake ... in dealing with future relationships (to include the one with you).  Just like therapy is needed after a broken leg, so it one's psychie !  Trust me !