Insight below comes from a class offered by Michele Money.
Bullying is “repeated, malicious verbal mistreatment driven by a desire to control the target.”
“Most common tactics include, but not limited to ….
Personal or professional criticism
Name calling
Threats
Insults and put-downs
Minimizing or denying achievements
Exclusion or "icing out"
Stealing credit
Invading personal space or property”
(From other parts of Michele's class) Believe it or not, it includes "gossipping", "lies", starting of "rumors", and even leaving someone out.
. That means that it doesn't matter if the bully thinks he or she is being funny, innocent, or clever, or that the target is being "too sensitive." What matters is that the bully's behavior is having a negative impact on the target's health and self-esteem, personal and professional relationships, and possibly finances.”
“Some bullies yell or scream
. Others are more passive aggressive in their behaviors. Often when confronted, especially when they've been allowed to get away with the behavior over a period of time, they will deny that they've done anything and tell the target that it's "all in their head." A refusal to take responsibility for how he or she has made the target feel is ANOTHER form of bullying behavior.
Work place, schoolyard, or bullying that you may encounter at home, are all somewhat the same; “all are seeking power through the humiliation of another person”; and targeting one‘s self esteem. However, in the work place, it can also effect your “economic livilihood” as well.
* Insecurity
* Need for power”
Which type bully have you encountered in your life ? Whether it be now or in the past ?
FROM VIVIAN: I have sadly met everyone of these type bullies. Not so much as a child, but more as an adult (Whether it be a family member or a boyfriend) !
Opportunist bullies - - Essentially, opportunist bullies are "climbers." They justify their behavior by chalking it up as "part of the game." They're frequently skilled at allying with those higher on the chain of command that may see them as winners or leaders, and are equally skilled at hiding their bullying tactics as required to keep them in good standing with those who can help them in their careers.
Substance abusing bullies - - alcoholic or drug addicted bullies are dangerous, as they may lose control of their behavior. They exist in every profession, at every income level.”
Sadly, but those most often targeted seem …
* Vulnerable
* Bright and promising
* Cooperative and kind
No matter the reason, “if the person does not stand up for him or herself, the bully …
* Fulfills their need to criticize others freely without repercussion
* And will likely establish a pattern of doing so.”
Trust yourself in knowing that you are being mistreated. Being silent and avoiding the issue will only allow for this opportunity to rise again; and it shows the bully that he/she can get away with being this type person; and it allows them to opt in targeting others.
Statement can include …
"Stop. I don't appreciate being talked to this way."
"I'm not going to tolerate being spoken to that way."
"The way you're speaking to me is inappropriate."
"You are making me feel uncomfortable."
Pick one of the above, and say it. Firmly, calmly, and with a period at the end (rather than an exclamation point or a question mark.)
Even is the bully is your boss or spouse, “you should tell them that the way they're speaking to you makes you uncomfortable, and that you are not willing to be subjected to disrespect.”
If Step 1 does not work, then Step 2, Walk away.
Though these tactics most often work, sometimes the bully does not stop.
Step 3. Ask a question (still calm and firm; not scared).
"Why would you say something like that?"
"Why are you speaking to me like that?"
"Are you angry about something?"
"Did I do something to offend you?"
The question is NOT about starting an argument; that‘s why you want to stay sincere and calm. Often a question like this will embarrass the bully and they will back down. However, if it makes them more argumentative, again, state that this makes you uncomfortable and simply walk away.
FROM VIVIAN: Next Michele says, do NOT confront the bully by email. Her reasoning is, as we all know, tone and intention gets misinterpreted. Though I 100% agree and have experienced that emails can be misinterpreted, I must sit here and think on this.
MORE: In my encounters, I have found that bullies most often won’t let you speak and simply jump all over you immediately when you do. That’s why, I would handle by a letter. However, I think what Michele is saying here is, you’re not looking for in depth conversation here, such as telling them off or telling them all the things they have done. What you simply need to focus on here is just, STOPPING IT, and then DROPPING IT (end of subject). If this is the case, then I understand her reasoning here.
MORE: However, thinking on this again. If by chance, you are really scared or know this person will not let you speak, for me, I would write a note that specifically only said:
* I do not appreciate being talked to the way that you do; I will no longer accept this tone nor words; you can expect me to walk away or hang up, any time it happens again.
Personally I would drop it there, ESPECIALLY if there are specific things that you are upset over with this person (things they have done to you) !
But if you honestly don't know why they are doing this, and are open to getting to the root, then next, I would include one of Michele's questions, such as ...
* Did I do something to offend you ?
* If you would like to calmly discuss this, please contact me.
You could even opt to bring in a mediator (not a friend)
* Don’t allow the bully to alienate you from others, such as co-workers and family members (Don’t behave like a victim).
* Remember your worth ! Their behavior looks bad on them, not you !
* Don’t avoid the bully but don’t think you must build a friendship (be overly friendly)
* Keep ALL your personal information to yourself (so the bully can not use info on you later - hit you below the belt).
* Protect your reputation (try to resolve with the bully first, but if this bully is a co-worker, you may need to turn to your boss or HR person next; even if this person is your boss).
If you are still wondering if you should do anything about the bully … REMEMBER, it’s not only you affected, it affects your whole family (co-workers, etc) ! Whether it be mental abuse or affecting your job performance (financially).
Stand up for yourself. If need be, seek out a coach.
REMEMBER, bullying affects YOUR mental health (if you are thinking about it all the time, it's affecting YOU !).
AND, if you are receiving physical abuse from this bully, reach out to the police immediately !
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