REMINDER, I am currently taking a new Domestic Violence class, and wanting to share with you as I go through each lesson. Michelle Money is the instructor; He words will be in quotation marks.
Part 8 of 11.
The survivors of domestic abuse, not only have a challenge in rebuilding their own life, but in their relationships (romantic and any kind). After dealing with low self-esteem and lack in confidence, for possibly years, it’s not exactly a simple task, but a needed one !
In rebuilding their lives, the survivors need to begin with focusing on themselves; which can be someone difficult and new for them. They need to first, “build a relationship with themselves before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are – not what they think men are looking for.”
In rebuilding their lives, the survivors need to begin with focusing on themselves; which can be someone difficult and new for them. They need to first, “build a relationship with themselves before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are – not what they think men are looking for.”
During this process, the survivor will need to relearn how to talk to themselves. Instead of listening to those inner voices of, "That was stupid," or "You made another mistake," … change to “Well, you're a smart woman who made a mistake, it's okay," or "You did so many other good things today, you've really made great progress." Change negative self-talk to positive; begin looking at little mistakes as minor !
The survivor truly needs to start being good to themselves ! Be their own best friend ! It will take time, but personal confidence most certainly can rebuild.
For years, this person may have not been allowed to make any decisions, or even barely allowed to speak, and surely was always trying to avoid conflict. So the survivor, needs to next, work at being more assertive. Learn to speak up for your desires, opinions, dreams, wish; be heard and get what you want and need !
Developing those platonic friendships are very important to a survivor. Especially with folks you may have some common interest with; like other single mothers, if you are a mother, etc. It’s only normal at times, to feel scared about opening up, but continue to keep cultivating these relationships; you are worth it, and friendships can be very valuable; especially during the difficult times and possible flashbacks.
If you are a friend of a survivor, remember, they will have difficult days and your friendship is highly needed. Notice whether they act like they are ok, when in fact, they may not be. Also, watch to make sure they are not isolating themselves nor making less effort in contact. If you start seeing such issues, make the effort to firmly confront them; letting this person know you care and you are concerned. Stay “constant in their lives, even when they are inconstant”.
“A role model can answer many questions that a survivor of domestic abuse might have. Practical advice on handling everything from how to handle those moments of insecurity to how to find out about financial aid or counseling services can all be gleaned from conversations with a good role model. Don't be afraid to ask them how they've managed to juggle all of the many new responsibilities, how they knew when they were ready to date again or how they learned how to balance a checkbook for the first time. No question is too small.”
“Caution isn't a bad thing when starting a new relationship, but you must be able to balance this with your new sense of confidence and a willingness to explore your emotions and not let your fears get in the way of the possibility of a positive relationship with a new partner.”
“Setting firm guidelines for yourself and the relationship will help you feel comfortable in a new relationship:
Be sure to watch for any of the warning signs of domestic abuse that you've learned from counseling.
Stay in contact with family and friends that support you and listen to their opinions; reality checks can keep you on track in the first heady days of a new romance.
Keep your finances and other private information separate until you are completely confident and sure that the other individual is trustworthy. You may decide that you never want to combine these aspects of your life – and this is fine; do not let your new partner insist on anything you aren't comfortable with.
Remember, if you begin having symptoms of PTSD or become very anxious while trying to capture a new romantic relationship, plan to reach out to a counselor or coach. This can be normal; so plan on giving yourself the best help you may need !
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Part 9 of 11.
If you are a friend of a survivor, or dating a survivor, it’s to your advantage and theirs to read up on the subject (to include: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). "One excellent book is Supporting Women After Domestic Violence: Loss, Trauma and Recovery, by Hilary Abrahams another is Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free, by Elaine Weiss)."
“What is a Healthy Relationship?
Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their dignity.
Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their personal identities and independence.
One person does not have power or control over another in a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, disagreements are not cause for undue distress. They can be settled through discussion with mutual respect and value for each other's opinions rather than intimidation, control or judgment.
Healthy relationships do not allow for emotional abuse, name calling, mind games, guilt trips or manipulation.
Healthy relationships encourage affection, openness and honesty.
Healthy relationships allow each individual to pursue their own friendships, interests and goals in addition to having mutual interests, friendships and goals. This provides balance to the relationship.
Both partners are accountable in a healthy relationship – both will admit when they are wrong, be responsible for their actions and willingly communicate truthfully and openly. Shared decision making and shared parenting is essential to healthy relationships. No one person can be the final arbiter of life-changing or major decisions.
Both partners must benefit emotionally and financially in a healthy relationship. Money decisions are made together and discussed openly. Neither partner keeps money secret from the other.
Compromise, negotiation and fairness are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both partners have the right to complain, voice their opinions or disagree; but neither partner has the right to demean, hit or abuse the other person in any way.
In a healthy relationship, each person keeps the welfare and happiness of their partner uppermost in their minds – they wish to contribute to the happiness of their partner in an unselfish manner.”
Tips for friends of survivors:
* Listen, especially if the survivor opens up.
* Don’t be shocked over stories.
* Don’t be offended when survivor often feels distance or non-touchy; it can be this way, especially after re-talking this subject.
* Be honest and open. There are no magic words to use.
Remember, couples therapy (counselor or coach) may be a good idea, if you are a survivor or dating one. It can help “each partner to better understand the other's past and gives them valuable communication skills:
Acknowledging individual needs and what each person needs to contribute to a partnership
Learning how to listen more closely
How to communicate more clearly
Identifying both common and individual goals
Identifying and understanding each other's stressors
Responding properly to panic and anxiety”
Survivors can learn to have healthy and loving relationships.
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