(Session 2 after Wednesday)
Domestic violence hits truly close to home with me, as I was a battered wife, in my marriage years ago, at age 17 (week from 18, so parents had to sign). Got married just shy of finishing high school, due to the fact, that as soon as school was over, we had to head immediately, to where my new husband’s military post was located.
My situation alone, is a good example of how easy it is, to not actually realize, that a family member or friend, may be possibly living in domestic violence. Often simply over looked, when someone’s spouse is “publicly” so sweet, kind, giving, seems caring and loving, even claims of Christianity (please don’t be offended with this statement; as you know, being Christian does not automatically free any of us from future sin !), or maybe that person is not outwardly, but an introvert, nor much of a verbal person.
Don’t get me wrong, when the writing is on the wall, like showing outward outbursts, manipulation, control, then absolutely, keep your antenna up ! Also, listen for excuses of bruises and the person not being able to go out without the spouse being there, are to name a few.
One of main desires, in being a Life Coach is in helping battered spouses. Truly, it can be male or female; and it can be verbal or physical (both are mental abuse). And pointing at my specific situation, it was not so much verbal, but basically physical. My spouse was more of an introvert; yes he participated in conversation with others, but never out spoke; big beautiful smile; seemingly kind; wouldn’t hurt a fly !; never drank nor cursed; and yes, Christian (we went to church 4 times a week before marrying).
Always wanting to further my education in my coaching field, I am currently enrolled in another Domestic Violence class. This one is with Instructor Michelle Money. I want to share some of the things she points out, in a 11-12 weekly series, as I am taking this class, because I have already found this information exciting to know, or hear, coming from another ! All her words will be in “quotes”.
“There are many misconceptions about domestic violence, among them that it is a problem primarily of the lower classes and the poor … In fact, no one is immune to domestic violence and many people would be surprised to discover that they probably know someone right now who is the victim …”
DEFINITION: “Domestic abuse or domestic violence is any act of abuse, intimidation or terror, committed deliberately against a partner, spouse, parent or child for the purpose of controlling their behavior in an unhealthy manner.”
“… the person may begin by using intimidation tactics, verbal abuse and other methods of scaring the victim into complying with their demands without ever physically assaulting the person.” Note, many abusers, do not see this as domestic abuse, “ Because they are not actually laying their hands on the victim.” WRONG.
“Verbal or emotional abuse”, which may start out as only “inflicting hateful words … can often escalates to physical abuse if it is not stopped.”
| “The statistics surrounding domestic violence are surprising to many people and should be disturbing to everyone: 30% of Americans know a woman who has been assaulted by their current spouse, boyfriend or domestic partner within the last year. 20% of all violent crimes against women are committed by an intimate partner. Recent studies revealed that in families where the husband has repeatedly physically abused his wife, he has also physically abused his children in 50% of those cases. As many as 1.3 million women are assaulted every year by their intimate partner every year in the U.S. As many as 840,000 men are assaulted by their intimate partner in the U.S. every year. Parental abuse (abuse of elderly parents by their grown children) has been steadily on the rise every year since 1999. Over half of all people who are stalked know their stalker, and in most cases it is a former spouse or domestic partner. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States (more than muggings, falls & car accidents combined). Every 9 seconds, someone is being battered by a family member or domestic partner in the United States. The single most underreported crime in America is domestic abuse. It is estimated that domestic abuse occurs in some form in up to 50% of marriages.” |
? !
As a friend, sister, brother, father, mother, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, co-worker, etc … It needs to be our personal choice, to “educate ourselves, our friends and our families to recognize the signs of abuse and STOP IT !” As well as, “ … prevent abuse BEFORE it starts, so that future generations can sustain healthy, loving relationships without abuse !”
KNOW. Instructor Michelle Money states, “ … abuse is not a result of the abuser losing control of himself or herself out of anger. Abusers are trying to dominate and control their victim. There are several reasons we know that abusers are not losing control when they abuse the victim:
When it is to their advantage, abusers can stop battering, such as when the police arrive or a relative or neighbor shows up to intervene. By the time a witness shows up, the abuser usually appears calm and serene.
The abuser is usually selective about where he or she punches or kicks in order to hide the evidence of the assault. An enraged or out of control attacker could not control where the blows landed.”
PHYSICAL ABUSE. “ … is what most people think of when they hear the phrase "domestic violence." It can run the gamut from a slap across the face to punching, hitting, stabbing and can eventually lead to extended assault and DEATH.” You’ve most certainly seen all the true story movies on TV and heard of many incidents in the news !
“Often, victims excuse the abuse because it starts slowly and escalates over time. For instance, a man/woman who lightly shoves a woman/man during the course of an argument may later claim that it was "just in fun," or that he/she was "only joking," and insist that the victim is over-reacting … will overlook the incident and convince herself/himself that it won't happen again.
“Some of the most common injuries … bruises and black eyes … easily explained … by a fall or a walk into a door or other obstacle.” “ … This pattern will occur again and again … receiving many minor injuries over time until … used to the pattern and begins to see it as almost NORMAL.” Often escalating “… to broken bones, lacerations and other injuries that require medication intervention. Bruised organs from blows to torso are also common. In fact, 25% of all battered women who visit the emergency room require immediate hospitalization
.”
“Many abusers … assaulting their victims in ways that … can be hidden from others. Hitting the victim on the torso, back and upper legs is common. Unfortunately, shame will often keep the victim from reporting these injuries and they will become a participant in protecting their abuser.” (Enabling)
EMOTONAL & VERBAL ABUSE. “ … not what traditionally come to mind when people think of domestic violence”. Yet, this form over abuse most certainly leaves, “ … devastating emotional scars that can take years to recover from and cause psychological damage to ALL family members.”
“Many abusers use emotional and verbal abuse to control their victims and make sure that they DON’T LEAVE THEM or DEFY THEM.” I have heard so many stories from victims of abuse (NOTE, if you heard these words, take this as a true and sincere RED FLAG to your personal situation !), where the abuser tells their spouse such words as …
* No one else wants you, just ME.
* No one else will love you, like ME.
* You can’t take care of yourself, with out ME.
* You can’t live without ME.
(NOTE, notice the word ME ! It’s all about ME. ME-ME-ME-ME ! There’s nothing here about help YOU ! Supporting YOU ! Taking care of YOU ! ). Don’t get me wrong, you may here the words YOU, but it may be more like …
* Everything I do is for you (us) !
* Look what you made me do; You make me do this to you !
* Look what you are doing to us (our marriage) !
It only makes sense, when “… the abuse turns physical, the victim will remain with them as a "willing" target”.
NOTE: “No victim is ever a willing participant in a violent act. Instead, they have been conditioned to the point that they simply can no longer see an alternative (We will talk about this at length in a later chapter).” “Emotional abuse, like any kind of domestic abuse, is about DOMINANCE and CONTROL. The abuser will use unfair tactics such as GUILT, SHAME, INTIMIDATION, and FEAR to gain power over the other person.”
PLEASE READ FOR MORE SIGNS:
“Types of Emotional and/or Verbal Abuse”
“Demeaning or Belittling: This is often a form of verbal abuse and can take the form of sort of "parent/child" dynamic, where the abuser treats the victim in a child-like manner, constantly correcting the victim as though he or she is a child who needs to be disciplined and guided in every area of life. Belittling comments about appearance, how tasks are completed and insults are all part of the pattern of demeaning abuse. Name-calling, accusations and insults are also common forms of belittling behavior. This type of behavior wears away at self-esteem and becomes imprinted on the mind of the victim until they begin to believe that it is true. Over time, they may see themselves through their abusers eyes as "ugly, worthless, stupid . . . " or whatever words the abuser has used.”
“Isolation: Many abusers will isolate their victims from family and friends. This takes away the victims' support structure and makes them more dependent on the abuser. It also means there are fewer opportunities for those who care for the victim to intervene on their behalf. Abusers will often excuse this behavior by telling the victim that it is "for their own good" or suggesting that the family and friends are sabotaging the relationship. They may also demand that the victim prove their love by giving up their other relationships in favor of the abuser. Once the victim is isolated, the abuser has nearly complete control of his victim.”
“Denial or Invalidation: This is a subtle form of abuse that takes the form of denying the emotions or feelings of another in order to invalidate them. For instance, if an individual is grieving the loss of a beloved pet and the abuser tells her to "Snap out of it, it was just a dog." The person feels that her real feelings are being denied and rejected as unimportant and stupid.” Sadly, I have seen this over and over in relationships, and the abuse seems to have no understanding of their form of control !
“Chaos: Some abusers thrive on keeping their victims in a constant state of confusion. They continually pick fights, create problems and change their mind or shift positions to create discord in order to create a sense of chaos in the relationship. They thrive on the constant drama of an unstable relationship that is always "on edge" and enjoy watching the fear and confusion of having a partner that is "walking on eggshells" for fear of triggering another confrontation.”
“Economic Abuse: Controlling finances to the extent that you are no longer able to pursue simple activities without permission and cannot purchase the necessities of life without asking for the necessary funds is economic (sometimes called financial) abuse. This takes many forms, including withholding credit cards or check books, making you justify every dollar spent, preventing you from earning your own money and withholding basic needs such as food and clothing.”
“Physical, emotional and verbal abuse are all forms of domestic violence that can cause irreparable damage if ignored. Understanding what domestic violence is and how serious the problem is the first step in overcoming the problem”.
Suggested book by Instructor Michelle Money: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [Paperback] by Lundy Bancroft
PLEASE TAKE CONTROL … Whether it is YOU, who is being abused, or it’s a friend or family member ! NOTE TO FRIENDS/FAMILY MEMBERS: Be careful. Getting involved in a way that can hurt you or them, could cause more disasters and more victimization - Seek profession, legal, domestic, or police help !
As a victim, You do not have to be alone ! You can get out; you will be ok. There are those (family & friends) who will be there for you; If nothing more, start off with a "coach" by your side.
TO ALL: The life you may be protecting, may be YOUR OWN !
From Coach Vivian: Even if you only THINK, you might be being abused or have a friend or family member who is in this situation, call me TODAY for your complimentary and private session by phone (we never have to meet). (434)) 473-7470. You will get voicemail; leave me your number & time to call you (my call to you will come back as “unrestricted”.
When you need a speaker for your organization, on this topic, or something of the like, please call !
Stay tune next week, Lesson 2 of this Series !
(After Wedneday)
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