Are you Co-Dependence to another person's mood or personality ?

Wikipedia definition:  Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[

 

This morning, as I listened to Joyce Myers, I loved her example of co-dependence.  I had never really heard co-dependence actually described the way she did.  She basically said, when your mood or your happiness, depends on whether another person is happy or in a good mood, that is your co-dependence !

Sadly, if you live with someone or work with someone whom you always have to stay on your toes with and keeps your stress and anxiety up, then you are one of the ones, who lives your life based on co-dependence.  You owe yourself a change !

Wanting to do your best or being your best for another is great !  However, if you are sad, cause they are sad; or you are miserable because they are miserable;  not only are you co-dependent on their mood or reaction, you aren’t actually having a mind of your own.

Choose to change this about you.  Wake up each morning and decide your own destiny or your own mood before ever coming in contact with this person.  And of course, make it a positive decision.  If you decide this prior, and decide, their mood will not affect yours, you will become stronger !

Think about it.  If you come in contact with someone in a bad mood, just feel sorry for them.  Don’t be angry at them; their mood or reaction has nothing to do with you or yours !  They are them and you are you !  Two different people !

They have their own right to feel the way they want to feel and you have your right to feel the way you choose (hopefully positive).   So don’t bother wasting your time in trying to change theirs; enjoy yours.

If you could choose to learn to be at peace inside yourself, and learn to ignore any negative persona that another has, you will be happier within yourself and actually with that other person (whether they are miserable or not).

And remember, role modeling.  Whether  you are able to help another with their poor personality or not, your only job is in being a good role model.  You need to first learn to be happy with yourself; be happy with your life; be at peace.  No person can ever learn from you, if you are not being a good role model.

Think about this a little deeper.  Try to truly see what I am saying here !

If you find, that you are happier or more at peace when you are NOT with that person who is miserable or you are allowing to make you miserable, learn to keep your positive personality and peace, when with them .  You can do this !

 

My last couple of days, being with my family, here at Christmas, is a great example, for me, of peace.  It’s been a long time, since I have enjoyed total peace, while with my family.  This tells me, that it is “me” who has learned; it’s not them who has changed; Cause I can see where at least one of my family members is still miserable !

 

Be good to yourself.  Find inner peace !  Ignore others and their personality; it does not have to effect you.  Keep singing inside your heart and you can overcome their mood !

 

 

 

Dating Coach

Ever heard of this ?

It’s real !  And in demand.

From Wikipedia

Dating coaches offer coaching and related products and services to improve their clients' success in dating and relationships. Through discussion, role-playing, behavior modeling, and other forms of direction, a dating coach trains clients to meet and attract romantic partners. Dating coaches may focus on topics important to the art of dating: interpersonal skills, flirting, psychology, sociology, compatibility, fashion and recreational activities. As dating coaches are unlicensed, their methods vary widely.

 

Hiring a dating coach has value !

Many folks reach out to the internet, in helping to find a mate, only to discover, what looked like a perfect match, didn’t turn out at all.  Surely, many times, the other person, really was not at all you thought they were going to crack up to be … OR … It could actually be YOU !

First a coach will want to know what you want out of this process; where you are at and where you want to go.

The coach will also access you.  This could include your thoughts, your opinions, your intentions, and even the way you handle a certain type situation.

 

You may choose to learn …

What may be turning others off; what you are signalling.

Appropriate dress; updated attire.

A new approach to your personal outlook; a new way of thinking.

Turning negative into positive.

More confidence; putting yourself out there.

New tactics; approaches.

Bad habits that need to be let go.

What type of person you really want; what you are seemingly going after.

WHO YOU ARE !

 

 

Sometimes, the first step, in getting back into the grove of dating, is to first, take the time, and discover, WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE !  WHAT YOU REALLY WANT !

 

In reality, the majority of folks out there, jump from one relationship to the next.  ONE FIRE TO THE NEXT FIRE !  Never stopping to breath; never stopping to look at the whole picture.

You’ve heard:  Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.   Albert Einstein

This is literally true ! 

 

My two points here:

(1)    Why would you THINK that … If your last relationship did not work, that the next one will ?  Seriously !   OH, you could say, well, he/she was a jerk … Or … I found them running around on me.  All this may be true !  However, it goes deeper than this.  Why were they a jerk ?  Why did you not see that earlier before the relationship got so deep ?  Why did they run around on you ?  MY POINT:  #1, if you can't figure out how to get along with one person, I'm telling you, if will not be any different with the next.  And #2, Stop pointing fingers at the other person; this is not about them; this is about YOU !  What part did YOU take in all this ?  If YOU don’t have these answers, most definitely, seek a DATING (LIFE) COACH !  If you have yet learned how to analyze yourself or have opted in looking at yourself 1st, you most certainly can’t analyze others, nor will get past this same hurdle !

(2)   You may not be in sane as Einstein mentions; you may not be crazy.  You may have the best personality in the World; you may be humble; You may be a total positive person.  But something is wrong !  If you don’t seem to be figuring this all out on your own, then reach to a DATING (LIFE) COACH !

 

Do you want to end of with the same type person, over and over again, just to get your heart broke or lose 2 more years of your life, before discovering, this person is not the right one ?

Want to end up alone ?  Holidays, vacation, your days off ?

 

Or maybe you will discover, that YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE OR LEARN ... Therefore, rather be alone ! 

That's my thing.  I'm single too !  One problem for me, I don't want to change.  I like being a work-a-holic.  And I don't want, nor want to tolerate, another persons baggage.  But again, that is personal choice.  And if you have this same type choice, like me, then you have no reason to complain, not even to yourself, that you are alone.  And do yourself and others a favor, STOP LOOKING.  Stop putting yourself out there, only to keep hurting yourself and parties who a really looking for that sole mate for their life.  Just accept yourself !

 

 

Reach out !  Help yourself !

 

 

 

 

Parents Should Know: Select Verbiage From You, Can Lead Children And Others, To Lie To You

 

Most naturally, when we see our children, or matter of fact, anyone in our lives (spouse, co-worker, friends), who are doing something, that they should not, we have a habit, Yes, a “habit”, of spitting out that question that sounds something like, “Did you do that ?”.  That's like a truth or dare type question !

 

Maybe you just caught …

Your child in the cookie jar, just prior to dinner.  "Did you just eat some cookies ?".

Or, co-worker at the movies, when they had called in sick.  "Did you play hookie from work ?".

Or, spouse has a new dress.  "Did you take money from the house fund ?".

 

Well ... You already know the answers to all these questions are yes, right ?!

 

Per Answers.com,” A rhetorical question tho' is a statement that is formulated as a question but is not supposed to be answered.

And though rhetorical, and though the true answer is already known, most folks asking the question, won’t allow “silence” from this individually, but most certainly is EXPECTING a reply !  I’m right ! 

Notice, I did not ask, “was I right”.  I didn’t choose to leave room for someone to ponder or give me some kind of untruth, or lie !

 

Note, whether child or adult, folks do not want to …

Disappoint you …

Upset you …

Give themselves any punishment …

Or even tell on themselves ... If they can avoid !

 

Think back when you were a kid or you got caught at something where you didn’t want to upset the other person.  Can you just hear yourself saying, “Oh, I was about to get a cookie, but then I quickly remembered what was expected of me”; or, “Rather than staying home alone and sick, I thought it might be better that I be in public, where if I got sicker, someone would be nearby that I could call on for help”; or, “I didn’t use any of our money to buy this dress, a GF gave it to me, cause she no longer liked it”.

 

 

I remember one time, at age 18, I came home from my classes at the Community College, and my mom asked me, “Are you smoking”.  Luckily, I knew not to lie over something I knew she apparently could smell, but instead, I came back with, “Are you”.

One time, when I was married, my husband, who did not drink (neither of us did), came home, and smelled like alcohol.  I asked, “Have you been drinking ?”.  Naturally, he said, “NO”.   In this case, I really didn't know and opted to take him for his word, only to learn the truth later !

 

No matter the untruth answer, asking a rhetorical question literally gives folks the opportunity to and promotes lying.  It teaches folks, that to keep you from being upset or to get out of the situation, why not try the “lie” tactic.

 

I was at a party the other day, when this same topic came up.  It was expressed, that in raising children, you are taught to “ask” the child point blank, in the form of a question.  Not sure where she may have learned that, or maybe that's ol' school !

 

This same person, then shared a situation she had with an employee (though what the employee had done was not good, and the employer may not have let her keep her job, even had she told the truth); had she been point blank, minus the form of a question with her employee, at least, this employee may not have done one more negative thing, like lie, to her employer, before being dismissed !  

 

“Make it very easy for your child to tell the truth and give him a chance to confess. ... Don't try to set your child or adolescent up to tell you a lie when you have discovered the truth”, says, Child psychiatrist and Harvard professor Robert Coles. Know that, “problem lying may cause difficulties for children at school and with their friends, as well as disrupt family life and lay the groundwork for further problems in adulthood Lying is not usually a serious problem unless it becomes habitual or compulsive. Like many problems, addressing lying early may be the most effective way of preventing it from becoming a more serious concern. ”

 

How to deal with children or adults who lie is a different subject than today’s topic.  The only thing I want to get across today, is one way for “you” not to promote lying, and that is to NOT ask a question that you already know the answer.

 

Instead, make what you know into a statement … But of course, “Don’t

stage a courtroom drama” !  Just simple like ...

I know you had some cookies.

I know you played hookie from work today.

I see you bought a new dress.

 

 “Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.”
― Oliver Goldsmith

“At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become.”    (From Vivian, "how others may become too !")

― Leo Babauta

“He explained to me with great insistence that every question posessed a power that did not lie in the answer.”   (From Vivian, do not help teach others to lie)
― Elie Wiesel, Night 

 

 

Do yourself a favor, and for others around you, get out of the habit of asking questions to answers you already know the answer to.  Instead, make a statement; so then you may allow the person to tell you the truth !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being hurt by a loved one or friend as they help, be kind, or do for another

 

Being a coach, over the years, and even more over last couple weeks,  I’ve actually run into or hear situations,  where folks were so excited and having great intentions in helping  or doing  for another, yet, while doing so, they actually ended up hurting someone else.

 

 

Examples may seem silly, but they do bring about feelings, to folks that these situations were geared to:

1)      Not loaning something to you (car, condo, money, their favorite chair they sit in), but specifically loaning that same item to a new friend (giving the shirt off their back to a new guest or friend).

2)      Not purchasing from your business (or giving to the charity you work for), but making that purchase (donation) from a stranger or new friend  business; putting money in someone else's pocket book; or giving to charity when a friend or family member is need of money/food.

3)      Not attending your party, but that of a different friend, who actually planned a party the same night; playing friends against each other.

 

Hmmmmm.    Thinking that over two or three times, I am still unable to fathom, how hurting one person, to help or do for another, or befriend another, can make this situation a “positive” (?).  One good thing for one bad thing is not a wipe, in my mind !

 

Remember, I didn’t say, hurt yourself FBO another.  So if you’re thinking, well, I would give the shirt off my back or my right arm if it came to my child or my family, that is not what I was referring to.

And … I am also not talking about, a time when you are angry, and you do something spiteful to someone, like paying them back (little childish).

And … I’m not talking about tattling on someone who has hurt another or who is doing something illegal.

And … I’m not talking about accidently hurting someone !

And ... I'm not talking about a situation where one's job or boss  needed to come first.

And … I’m not talking about a life or death situation either !

I am literally talking of the idea of, knowingly hurting someone else, because you want to help or be kind to another.

The only thing I can gather, in someone who is doing this, is that they are so wrapped up in what they think is “a good” for or with this particular person, that they have either opted to put on blinders to the hurting of another or they believe “a good” out weights “a bad”(?).  Though this may be what is taking place, it is still actually unexcusable.  Hurting folks is hurting folks, no matter what excuse you give yourself.  Matter of fact, if it were a court issue, the judge would not even listen to such reasoning.

Does this person realize, that in hurting another, they may most likely lose this other friend ?  

Is really worth losing that friend; hurting someone ?   

 

If I were the one being hurt here, I would naturally feel that this person was specifically letting me know, that in reality, they really were not my friend, or they were letting me know, that they no longer wanted me as a friend or cherished our friendship.  That I was not important enough, in their book, to not change the situation in a way, that would not hurt either person.

 

Having such inner feelings, as mentioned, is normal, and does not make you negative to have this thought.  It’s what you do with the thought that matters. 

 

Do not beat yourself up over it; nor return any negative action towards this person.  Just walk away.  And consciously, don’t take it personal.  Look at it as, this person, just so badly wanted to do or be with this other person, and that this actually has nothing to do with you or who you are.

This could be a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a spouse, a neighbor, a client …

 

Remember, folks have their own right to make their own choices; just like you have the choice of not standing in the fire of letting this happen to you over and over by this person.  If they don’t want you in their life, though you may not understand, let it be what it is.  You can not make someone be your friend or be good to you (and please consider not wasting or using your time to change their mind anyway).  

 

This is one of those type situations, that is totally out of your control.  Just drop contact and move on.